Making Space

Started looking deeper at my life and what can be kept and where adjustments are needed. 

There were some areas that needed a preamble as I kick this off and I did it the best way I knew how. 

Again, fucking hard decision and action to take but for the sake of my life and my relationships, I have to do this.

Max - My Son who Saved Me

It is the 20th of May and we're excited to find out your gender! 

Little did we know that you weren't doing as well as we had hoped for. 

Now you return Home to Him. And you do that knowing that you're my son and you saved my life.

Thank you for being our angel to help me find my way. You've made such an impact and we will never forget you. Max, We will always love you. 

Growth and Acceptance

Hey hey, Happy 2022.

We kinda made it I guess. Covid's still around and we're still finding ways to navigate it and it's a pretty apt description of what I'm trying to do with my life as well.

I'm at a point where my luck's pretty much run out from my point of view. I've been having this fraud complex where I don't deserve where I am at the moment and finally, certain things are coming about to reinforce this. 

Now, it's really about whether I believe it or whether I fight it. And to be honest, it feels like I should just see where it leads me because what means more to me is the rest of my life with her rather than what the organisation thinks I'm capable to doing/achieving.

Does it really matter to me? Am I that ambitious? I'd say I'm probably not. I tried explaining to her that I'm motivated (to a certain point) but not ambitious however, that apparently makes no sense. Well it does to me and I'm sticking by it. 

I've learnt much over the past year and I truly feel like I'm in a much better place but there is still much for me to do to reach my potential. 

What I'm struggling with now is understanding what my potential actually is and how do I find the steps to lead me there. 

There has been growth from my perspective. I'm alot more open to reading and getting in front of my tasks. But I guess the troubles from last year have come to haunt me by reminding me that I'm not as capable as I would think I am. 

And rightly so to be honest. I think that's the important thing I need to do. Accept it. Accept that hey, there's alot more I need to do in order to even be anywhere close to is required by this organisation. What I'm comfortable with is definitely not enough and I need to be OK with that. 

Like she shared with me, this just might be God's way of showing me the way to how I can contribute better. Or maybe to leading me to go somewhere else? 

We'll see how that goes. :) 

Reaching Out

Lay Me Down - Sam Smith 

Hey, not sure if you already know but I've been dealing with quite a bit of anxiety and stress from the work I do. Actually, there was this one moment where I was trying to reach out but I held back.

I think the world of you and her but I'm also well aware that I don't really show that I'm the "there for it all" kinda friend.

And I get that. Not sure if I'll change but it'll be nice to get back to where we once were. 

Acknowledging Progress

Lost Stars - Adam Levine 

Today when I was speaking or trying to update stuff I noticed myself making efforts to try and practise what was expected of me. I know it's probably not much but I can see myself improving and I think it's important that I appreciate and acknowledge it. 

Much anxiety and stress is probably caused by not acknowledging progress made and I don't wanna make that mistake. 

There's an uptick in my mood and this is very very welcomed. 

Now I gotta make efforts to continue this progress and not to slip up. 

Doing better

Somehow I've managed to find relaxation and an ability to deal with the matters at hand. Maybe it's because I wasn't feeling too well and got an MC but something really feels different. 

We'll see how this goes but I wanted to record this somewhere and no better place than here. 

Fingers crossed. 

Rough Patch

Your Song - Elton John 

Was just watching Elton John's biopic titled Rocketman. Just watching him, an extremely talent homosexual man go through a childhood and the life he did hit me a little hard and got me in a mood to write. 

It's a rough patch at work. I don't feel particularly accepted or acknowledged in the circle that I'm in. And it sucks knowing that I need to head back to a place a dread. Don't get me wrong, I actually still enjoy the work in general but when I already find trouble in understanding the purpose of what I do, what really gets me is when the person I'm doing it for doesn't really seem that inspired or motivated to get it done. 

I think over time I've developed what some might call a thick skin but I feel I still rely much on the enthusiasm of those around me when it comes to a project. What does not help as well is the fact that I don't feel in sync with any of them. There's a myriad of reasons that I don't particularly want to go into but there are times when I've asked myself I'll be able to ride it out till there's change.

And that sucks. 

I mean I would never wish this on anyone because I mean, work is kinda one third (or even more for most) of your day. So having thoughts of not wanting to be there is quite demoralising. I have alot going on for me and I'm aware of that but somehow it doesn't seem enough. And yes, that friggin annoys me as well. 

There's a part of me thay says continue to be resilient and just to push on as I've done in the past. There's another part of me saying fuck it and just go to the other extreme of being incompetent. There's also a part that says stand up against what I don't agree with and see how that goes. 

All not the best options but I guess it is what it is. We'll see how this goes. 

Passings

One more light - Linkin Park

4 passings that I've been a part of within the last 5 years. And I guess each of them have thought me something.

When my grandmother passed, the lesson of family. And the importance of reaching out to them because when you pass, they'll be the ones who will be right there.

When the father of a friend passed, I realised at that moment that I would drop anything for anyone who I feel has had some impact to my life. Whether or not they reckon I'm important or worth their while, I'll do it. Is that a flaw? Or a strength? I'd rather leave that up in the air because I know I will continue to do so.

Then came the passing of my own father. That happened right after I tore my ACL and in the middle of National Day preparations. It was the moment I learnt what a huge heart the organisation I am apart of has. It was unbelievable. I was in the middle of dinner when the call came. I denied it. I wasn't going to believe it till I saw him. We made our way to NTFGH and there he was. It was tough but we all had to be strong. In a heart beat, the people who I was working with rallied around me and offered their support and condolences. His family was there with us in every single step. Again, another strong reminder that (1) this life is far beyond the control of any one of us and (2) the impressions you imagine would stick never do when onve mortality comes knocking. The love and support we received during that period was indescribable.

Then comes the passing of the mother of a close friend. He felt the need to worry that not enough people would be around to carry his mother. I can not even begin to tell you how my heart wrenched at that moment. I can't imagine having anyone I care about wondering if anyone would be there for them when they need it most. Quickly, mutual friends we knew rallied and supported him. Another reason to remember that I'm part of an organisation with people who know what truly matters and when to be there when it mattered.

I just wanted to put this down somewhere so I could look back at it and remember how such sad moments reminded me of how beautiful this world is. And how we need to remember to always maintain those relationships.

FUCK THIS

They tell that if you toil and put in the work, it'll all work out for you.

Well I'm here to tell you that even if you've been on the outside watching a love one go though walls and ceilings to achieve her dreams, it might not always work out.

Question is, how the fuck do you deal with it? And how do you find a way to support her when you yourself torn beyond recognition.

Gotta admit I did not prep myself for this to the level required.

The Difference

Adventure of a Lifetime - Coldplay

Went out with with a different group of individuals tonight. Honestly, there was a different kind of music. A different sound. A different hymn to what I was used to in the life I've lived up till today.

They give me the feeling that there's soo much more out there than I could ever imagine. For sure I love what I do but it doesn't mean I gotta ignore what excites or intrigues me. And I'll be honest, I'm intrigued about how I'd do out there.

Am I a piece a coal about to miss out my moment to be a diamond or am I simply a diamond try hard to increase my retail value?

Weirdly enough, I feel THAT is the true question of life.