Reaching Out

Lay Me Down - Sam Smith 

Hey, not sure if you already know but I've been dealing with quite a bit of anxiety and stress from the work I do. Actually, there was this one moment where I was trying to reach out but I held back.

I think the world of you and her but I'm also well aware that I don't really show that I'm the "there for it all" kinda friend.

And I get that. Not sure if I'll change but it'll be nice to get back to where we once were. 

Acknowledging Progress

Lost Stars - Adam Levine 

Today when I was speaking or trying to update stuff I noticed myself making efforts to try and practise what was expected of me. I know it's probably not much but I can see myself improving and I think it's important that I appreciate and acknowledge it. 

Much anxiety and stress is probably caused by not acknowledging progress made and I don't wanna make that mistake. 

There's an uptick in my mood and this is very very welcomed. 

Now I gotta make efforts to continue this progress and not to slip up. 

Doing better

Somehow I've managed to find relaxation and an ability to deal with the matters at hand. Maybe it's because I wasn't feeling too well and got an MC but something really feels different. 

We'll see how this goes but I wanted to record this somewhere and no better place than here. 

Fingers crossed. 

Rough Patch

Your Song - Elton John 

Was just watching Elton John's biopic titled Rocketman. Just watching him, an extremely talent homosexual man go through a childhood and the life he did hit me a little hard and got me in a mood to write. 

It's a rough patch at work. I don't feel particularly accepted or acknowledged in the circle that I'm in. And it sucks knowing that I need to head back to a place a dread. Don't get me wrong, I actually still enjoy the work in general but when I already find trouble in understanding the purpose of what I do, what really gets me is when the person I'm doing it for doesn't really seem that inspired or motivated to get it done. 

I think over time I've developed what some might call a thick skin but I feel I still rely much on the enthusiasm of those around me when it comes to a project. What does not help as well is the fact that I don't feel in sync with any of them. There's a myriad of reasons that I don't particularly want to go into but there are times when I've asked myself I'll be able to ride it out till there's change.

And that sucks. 

I mean I would never wish this on anyone because I mean, work is kinda one third (or even more for most) of your day. So having thoughts of not wanting to be there is quite demoralising. I have alot going on for me and I'm aware of that but somehow it doesn't seem enough. And yes, that friggin annoys me as well. 

There's a part of me thay says continue to be resilient and just to push on as I've done in the past. There's another part of me saying fuck it and just go to the other extreme of being incompetent. There's also a part that says stand up against what I don't agree with and see how that goes. 

All not the best options but I guess it is what it is. We'll see how this goes.