Making Space

Started looking deeper at my life and what can be kept and where adjustments are needed. 

There were some areas that needed a preamble as I kick this off and I did it the best way I knew how. 

Again, fucking hard decision and action to take but for the sake of my life and my relationships, I have to do this.

Max - My Son who Saved Me

It is the 20th of May and we're excited to find out your gender! 

Little did we know that you weren't doing as well as we had hoped for. 

Now you return Home to Him. And you do that knowing that you're my son and you saved my life.

Thank you for being our angel to help me find my way. You've made such an impact and we will never forget you. Max, We will always love you. 

Growth and Acceptance

Hey hey, Happy 2022.

We kinda made it I guess. Covid's still around and we're still finding ways to navigate it and it's a pretty apt description of what I'm trying to do with my life as well.

I'm at a point where my luck's pretty much run out from my point of view. I've been having this fraud complex where I don't deserve where I am at the moment and finally, certain things are coming about to reinforce this. 

Now, it's really about whether I believe it or whether I fight it. And to be honest, it feels like I should just see where it leads me because what means more to me is the rest of my life with her rather than what the organisation thinks I'm capable to doing/achieving.

Does it really matter to me? Am I that ambitious? I'd say I'm probably not. I tried explaining to her that I'm motivated (to a certain point) but not ambitious however, that apparently makes no sense. Well it does to me and I'm sticking by it. 

I've learnt much over the past year and I truly feel like I'm in a much better place but there is still much for me to do to reach my potential. 

What I'm struggling with now is understanding what my potential actually is and how do I find the steps to lead me there. 

There has been growth from my perspective. I'm alot more open to reading and getting in front of my tasks. But I guess the troubles from last year have come to haunt me by reminding me that I'm not as capable as I would think I am. 

And rightly so to be honest. I think that's the important thing I need to do. Accept it. Accept that hey, there's alot more I need to do in order to even be anywhere close to is required by this organisation. What I'm comfortable with is definitely not enough and I need to be OK with that. 

Like she shared with me, this just might be God's way of showing me the way to how I can contribute better. Or maybe to leading me to go somewhere else? 

We'll see how that goes. :)