I need to learn, to burn, and earn my place here....

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

~ 12:55 PM ~

just dance- lady gaga feat. colby

oh man.. it's here!! haha!

i'm finally freaking graduating ya'll!!

i mean, i'm probably not excited as most because it's only a diploma but hey, a graduation is a graduation!! well i'm gonna go get ready and i promise photos WILL be uploaded in the next post=) watch out for it!!

and i'm sorry i've not been blogging much. not much inspiration everytime i get on the computer.=(

out!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

~ 6:34 PM ~

if today was your last day-nickleback

it affected me. i won't lie about that. alot of what you say affects me. this is the effect of two wonderful years spent with you. sometimes, i accidentally say your name because i'm soo used to it. it's a reflex. it's only a reflex. i'll make it thru.

today this song is more than appropriate to how i felt. i duno why. going out with rach was awesome. and receiving sarrah's message really made me think twice. too scary. tooo fucking scary. i was affected but then somehow this song came to my head and i just realized i need to get back to where i was and not back to where i was.

it's hard. but i can do it. i know i can. i felt something different today. i duno what it was but there was definitely something. and somehow i felt she felt it too. i just hope i do things right so that i dont put her thru the pain i did before. i'll change back. it's the least she deserves for all she's done. i need to do much more and i know.

well well, away from the emo stuff. ummm.. i'm get unhealthier. haha! i guess there's no running from it. this post is simply gonna be a rollercoaster. heh!

heck. i dont wanna fill this up with meaningless junk. what is super meaningful though is the lyrics to the song i'm listening to. here you guys go!=)

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

Read the lyrics. Reflect on your own life. Bask in what you already accomplished.

sweet dreams you stars=)

Monday, May 11, 2009

~ 1:03 AM ~

Insomnia-Craig David

tried to but i can't sleep. on my mind? redemption.

i've been trying to be someone that i'm not. and yesterday it hit me hard. like bang. i don't know why but somehow i just felt i had to try doing what i did before i go into NS because that basically marks the end of my freedom. how childish can i get? seriously, my immaturity sickens me to my stomach. i thought i had to go out, try to be this cassanova and attract whoever i could so that i could get the feeling of being in control.

STUPIDEST FUCKING THING I HAVE EVER THOUGHT OF. PERIOD.

it's not who i am. it's NEVER been who i am. and i don't like the person i've become. i need to set myself straight. keep my sights on one and try to make things work with her. i need to come back. i need my balooned head to come back down to earth.

i'm sorry to those i've hurt and seriously, i know this counts for shit but yea, my heart goes out to those i've neglected or hurt in the process of this selfish excuse for freedom. i never wanted freedom, maybe all i wanted is to try to be someone who i thought i needed to be to just prove something to myself. UGH! i can't believe it even came to this really. damn.

i need to prove i can be better. tomorrow's a new day right?

my apologies especially to you. i've been a selfish ass and.. you can go ahead and write whatever you feel. i'm sorry for commenting on what you wrote. you have all the right too. i was thinking of myself, as usual. my heartfelt apology is right here, i just hope you accept it. you are the one of the nicest people i've met, i'll admit to that.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

~ 5:19 AM ~

Beautiful - Colby O'Donis & Kardinal Offishall

don't hate the dealer, hate the game.

i don't know why but i just had that song playing in my head alot these past few days. hmmmm... have i got you wondering? haha!

well, i don't know why, but the past few days, i just felt myself distance! like from two main group of friends. the JBP gang and D. it's like soo freaking annoying but i promise things will change!

for JBP, plans were made, and i was barely there. many apologies. but seriously speaking, the plans were a little too last minute. but i'll do my best to work around them and make something happen the next time k? i seriously find me hating myself for not being able to get down to hanging with them and stuff because they're an awesome bunch!=) rini, ezwan, raidah, anil, ifah, nadiah, chanel and the other awesome peeps i've not mentioned!! if i've been an ass, I'M SOO SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!=)

i'm not sure the smiley there served it's true purpose. i'm gonna leave it there anyway. heh!

and D, i don't know why but i'm afraid to see you. i can't explain but maybe it's the fact you know things without me saying that freaks me out. it startled and even impressed me at first, but, i'm a little scared now. you're and awesome friend nonetheless. i need to talk and see you. i'll get down to it, eventually.

at the moment, i'm at that part where i feel life's going where i want it to but i know, i feel that there's soo much more i can do to make it that much better. i guess we'll see what happens.....

True perseverance will see you through it, it always has.

Monday, May 04, 2009

~ 8:57 PM ~

america's suiteheart- fall out boy

so i've not blogged in quite a while huh. there's quite alot to catch up on for example, the fantastic outing to East Coast Park with my buddies from the the birdpark! it was super super awesome and now i finally have pictures to upload!! yay!! hahaha! it was the first time i got to roller blade and so yea, it was really nice! i fell like 3 times but for all it was worth, it was worth it=) we played twister, had snacks and just laughed our asses off. nothing better than spending quality time with the people you care about is what i'd say. enjoy the pictures!!

Gearing up!

The iron skaters!! hahaah!!

The two who were my support!! thank you rai rai and ezwan!!

The awesomest birdpark part timers around!=) (chanel and nadiah missing though)

And another picturesque view for all=)

Also, a shout out to the KOP! fantabulous job against newcastle. let's hope arsenal can cause some problems for the devils and a few slip ups for the run-in to the title would be appreciated as well!

Friday, May 01, 2009

~ 5:44 AM ~

please don't leave me- pink

i don't freaking get it. i FINALLY get 12hours to sleep and i waste it ALL by staying up all night. and i know i'll be freaking busy the next few days and i still throw it away. there i go yawning again. dumbass. dumbass fuck i tell you. oh well...

yesterday was the 8th, wait, ummm.. yea, 8th day prayers for vik's dad. it was still a sad session but i think it's encouraging to still see not only relatives but loads of friends around as well. and there was pizza!!! so that was a HUGE plus!! haha!!

there was this particular moment when the smoke coming from the samrani (not sure if i spelt that right) engulfed the house. and it watched as vik dad's eldest sister teared as she mourned for him. and she continually told him to eat the food that was spread across the floor before his photo. i duno. i sorta stuck in my mind and yea, even after 8 days, tears do and probably will continue to fall. aunty prema did cry as well but still, the strength in the eyes were just, admirable.

and i guess i should started praying loudly more often because arsenal went on to freaking lose to man u. see what happens when you start to get lazy. haha!

well i guess i should start getting ready for work yea? i wonder if i'll faint. hmmm...

Thursday, April 30, 2009

~ 12:49 AM ~

invaders must die- the prodigy

i was walking through a crowd of people coming off the same train i was traveling on when it my lame excuse of inspiration hit me. this is it. this is the land i've been born into and it's where i'l probably spend the rest of my life. walking through and against this madness is probably what i'm gonna have to live with for the rest of my miserable life. unless i get a car. hmmm... yea, it's never happening. hah!

ever wondered how it'll be if your whole world was turned around. and you had to change the way you lived, talked and maybe even walked! woah. i don't know why but i just feel like i want that now. more than i ever did before. i want to start a fresh somewhere and just create who i am all over again. something tells me that's the one way you find out who you truly are.

thats it. put yourself in a total foreign land in total solitude and just live life from there. whatever you choose to be is probably the way you want to be for the rest of your life.

by the way, this applies to adults above 20 only. heh! my mind boggles when i think of what i'd choose to be. hmmm.. nice.=)

a silent prayer for arsenal tonight. i've always admired your football and now more than ever, you need to silence the Devils. show them how hell really feels like. though i think liverpool already did pretty well in our last outing with them. HAHA!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

~ 9:30 PM ~

breathe slow-alesha dixon

i met you and my heart began to race. we embrace and yes, i feel the emotion begin to race. i can't hold back and i hold you tighter, god, please tell me what this will be be after.

i ended up mind fucking myself by meeting her. i don't know why but once i see her face, my feeling just arise from god knows where. i don't understand which part of we'll never work out does my heart not understand. and this is coming at a point of time where i few other things in my head that i cannot stop from being there.

then comes the twist. i was really happy spending time with her. i truly was. but once it came to end, and we started to question what the hell we were doing, the night began to turn sour.

a part of me wants to just try. just go ahead and do everything i can to make things work. but i know that way i'm not gonna be very happy now am i. it's a mountain to climb and after coming down one, i guess everyone needs a rest?

the crescent moon stares at me like i've done wrong. i don't disagree.

Monday, April 27, 2009

~ 11:03 PM ~

break even- the script

another song i can't run away from. heh! anyways, i had a bad bad feeling at work today. i told it to raidah. i wanted to quit. i don't know if i was affected by what happened but i just felt i wanted to just leave.

maybe it's just feeling left over from the week before? i freaking hope it was monday blues. i was supposed to work tomorrow as well but yea, i decided that i wouldn't. i think i just need some rest and it'll all be fine. hmmmm... i gotta keep my head straight. there's soo many reasons to stay. i'm in the midst of getting the the BET made over and ummm.. i need to train izzah and...

who am i kidding. i'm only staying because you guys are there. and because the pay's too good to give up in this economy. haha!

i've been having trouble to sleep the pass few days. i just like force myself to get SUPER tired before i can finally shut my eyes. images pop in and it's hard to ignore them. thoughts run through and sometimes tears fall for no freaking apparent reason.

agh, i must have just got something in them.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

~ 6:46 AM ~

Aerosmith- I don't wanna miss a thing

the day was perfect. look in one direction and you'll see the perfect blue sky with the fluffiest cloud and the breeze seemed to just caress your face with a slightly cooling tingle. turn around and your eyes behold an area crawling with onlooking people. an area that was cordoned off by police tape. you know it's never a good thing when a white piece of plastic is lying on floor.

i arrived at 4.10pm, almost 15mins after i received the call from tash. i arrived to the scene where aunty prema and muhes were weeping. i held back. i thought he might still be alive. i prayed as i made my way. i didn't want him to pass on. it was not his time.

but he did and there was nothing i could do. nothing anyone could do. i sat there and looked. tears began to fill my eyes. i felt sadness for vik. i felt sadness for muhes. but somehow, i felt anger at the same time. i am an emotional guy, i admit to that. i stood up, looked around and made a realization that i wasn't alone.

the investigation officer did what they needed to do and vik began to walk away. i straightened myself out and went to his side. andy, tash, dev, maddu, mohan, os, shahl and andy were all there for him. it was painful to see what he was going through. i tried soo freaking hard to hold back my tears and so did the rest. i know they did.

we waited for almost 5hours before the body was taken back to mortuary. within that time, the wailing from relatives and family members were distant and far in between. and to listen to them as they happened was unbearable. i'll admit that i myself did breakdown. some moments were just too overwhelming.

the moments i remember the most were the times when the breeze would just blow past and silence would just fill the air around me. it felt as though everything is alright. it's like God's way of saying, "Stop crying. It's my turn to take care of him."

when the body left, everyone worked like clockwork. the house was cleared within moments and the pictures were covered. we stayed the night through talking and reminisce about the past, trying hard to keep our minds off the situation that unfolded hours before. i came home, and all i did was think about the situation the love ones that were left behind had to face with. i began to start thinking what he was thinking about in those final moments. i began to think of things that he didn't think about. it saddened me and all i did was watch movies till my eyes finally shut.

when i finally came around, it was time for the funeral. alot of waiting for the body to arrive and when he finally did, a reception worthy of a rockstar, as many would say, was awaiting him. i helped to carry the casket up and down. tash was there as well because they needed people of equal height to help with the tranferring of the casket.

before the casket left, i placed a garland that thiya, a friend from jurong bird park, passed me to placed on him on behalf of her. as i placed it, i took a good look at him. i placed my hands together, paid my respects, prayed very hard that his soul would rest in peace and then made my way. it was a moment that was difficult for me. i turned to look at aunty prema and she was my strength. she thought me, just through the look on her face, that if she can be strong for her two sons and the rest of the family, why not me. my hat's off to her and my absolute admiration to her sons who throughout the whole ordeal acted the way any father would be proud of.

cremation. the scene of the casket becoming a victim of the incinerator was hard to bear for some who walked out the moment the casket disappeared from sight. i was among those people. moments of him came flashing through my head and all i wanted was for his soul to be at rest.

my heart goes out to all those affected by this tragedy. yes, we know it's not his time but let us all be there to pray and him know it's alright to cross over. for his soul to be at peace.

Aunty Prema, your strength during the ordeal is an inspiration to all who were present. and as your message said, we'll always be by your side. we're only a call away so please, never hesitate.

Muhes, know that no matter what the circumstance, what the reason, we'll all be here for you. you're never ever alone.

Vik, i know i've not been the best of your friends. i might not be the type to tell you everything that happens in my life and i do admit that. but i guess somehow, through all this, times we spent together hit me the hardest and i guess i really really do care about you and whatever you go through. i want you to be fine, i want you to always know that you're never alone. you got soo many sweet people around you like shahl, tash and thinesh who'll always be there for ya. and no matter how much i screw up, know that i'm always here. and i'll always be because you were the first person i ever considered and declared to be my best friend. till today, that hasn't changed.

mind at ease and i've said my peace. god bless you Uncle Yoges.