WTF

Sound of Letting Go- Dabid Guetta

How do you forgive someone?

No seriously. Explain this to me. I can't forgive myself for wtf I've done in my past and yet somehow, some people can just forgive themselves and act as though nothing has ever happened.

It baffles me at how fucking ignorant he is about this whole thing. And he just keeps going like nothing's ever happened. I'm fucking sick and tired of suffering because of him. I could be saving soo much more money right now. I should be concentrating on my future. Instead here I am wondering if my mum has enough money and whether the family will be fine. I hate was happened and I just needed a space to rant. Thank god I have here to do it.

I hate how it's affecting Rachel and sometimes I feel it affects us as well. Fuck. And I know I should do the right thing by always being there for her but sometimes I guess I just have the fucked up need to selfish. I guess a leopard really never changes its spots. I'm the same fucker that I was before and nothing has or ever will change.

Maybe it's not his fault. Maybe everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's just life letting me know that hey, you're a jackass so I'm being one to.

On a different note, I readied my stuff to for Uni Admissions. Doubt I'll get it with the way things are going now but hey, at least you can give me credit for trying. Or more like I'm giving myself credit for trying. Whatever, you get what I mean.

Well I've got a People Development lecture to attend tomorrow. Good luck with that. Night.

When you have a bad day...

Who's that Chick - Rihanna and my man, Guetta.

Fucked up. Past few days, I've been having bad days. As in not that pissed or anything but I just feel zoned out and not motivated to do anything. Actually the only times I feel like doing anything is when I'm exercising. I really want to lose weight la. I'm starting to look like a fat blob and it's not helping this bad day thing I'm having. But at least I enjoy running. Hmmm.. I also blame it on the fact that my fucking headphones aren't working and thus I'm not getting my daily fix of music which mostly starts my day off on a good foot. Argh. Stupid.

Anyways, I'm not supposed to be home but I am. Yes I know, wtf. All because I was trying to get my stuff for Uni settled and left my 11B in the fucking photocopier. Can someone spell genius? Yes, once again, not helping my bad day thing. But hey, I'm going to try to make this something positive and run from here to CAMP! Yes you read that right, from Sembawang to Khatib Camp now who's with me? HAHAHAHAHA! I honestly have no idea how the hell it's going to turn out but you know what? I'm excited!

At least with all this bad day shit, running still finds a way to place some excitement in my life. Fuck, there's something drastically wrong with me. Heh!

My Solace

Marry Me- Train

So we're happy. Really happy=) In my last post, I felt I left the present out of the picture completely. And hey, that's not right. Because most importantly, I failed to include the important part of my present, Rachel Anne Preece.

Also, thing with my mum is much better. As in it was all a big misunderstanding by all the parties involved. This includes my dad as well so yea, it's much better now so yea, I'm glad we like thrashed things out and hmmm, it was all good. Though the incident was brought up alot, I feel the only way to get over it maybe only by talking about it? I don't know but seriously, I want that to get out the way.

Rachel has been making life much easier to deal with and she's always there when I need a listening ear and of course it's vice versa. It's tough to be in an environment that is unfamiliar but having someone soo loving and caring and ADORABLE really helps with the situation. So without a doubt, we doing our best.

Kinda sucks that Dev and Ghazman are not in country. Really miss them already. Vik's birthday is coming soon so I wonder what we're gonna plan to surprise him. Heh! Can't wait! Well it's off to pick Rachel up from work and collect the PC from Lala's place.

You know what that means, more BEJEWELLED FOR ME!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!! Ok lame. Heh!

Closure?

Gettin Over You- David guetta and a hell lot of other people

So hey, I read Sarrah's blog pretty often and that's no surprise but something tells me she reads mine too! HAHA!!

Well basically it comes from her most recent post and I guess the purpose of why I never made this blog private in the first place is to actually get her to read it. Though once again I can't confirm that except through look at the referring sites of people who view my blog. Lata's blog is one of them and of course Sarrah reads her blog right? Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, bottom line is that she got word of my trouble and she's found closure .

That might sound really fucked up but to me it's good. Honestly, I contemplated texting her to wish her good luck and that karma has smacked me back in my face but I decided not to. It would only spoil her mood and probably cause her to hate me even more. Somehow I just felt tat things would just turn out that way.

I'm really okay with it. As in, I've always known that she's never forgiven me for being the bastard that I am and I knew it was impossible for her to forgive me when I myself cannot forgive myself. Seriously, it's not the way I wanted things to go but it did and I have to live with it. Maybe not for every single moment of my life but it'll always be at the back of my head staring at me when I recollect whenever I'm alone.

My wish for her? That she never has to go through what I put her through and I just truly want her to be happy. Closure is the first step so hopefully, my wish for her does come through. Australia is definitely a good place to start and she can get the ang moh dude she's always dreamt of. I really think it's what her parents want as well. HAHA!

As for me? I'm off to go see my dearest DARKY!!!! Been ages since I last saw her and I bet it's going to be a laughter filled couple of hours. Shit, I'm going to be late.

Valentine's

Life after you - Daughtry

Honestly, I didn't plan anything nor did I want to plan anything because to me, it's over rated. But the one thing that made me want to write about today, Rachel's text to me when she was on the way back to our place.

"You're the underlying reason to everything I do. There's not one day that goes by without me thinking of you, missing you. You really are the best part of me and without you, I know I wouldn't be okay. You're no longer a want baby, you're a Need. It's insane how much I love you and how sure I am that you are the man I want to marry and have kids with. No matter what, I know we can make it through anything as long as we have each other.You deserve only the best and I owe you so much more than a thank you. :) but thank you for everything. I love you baby! Happy Valentine's."

Tell me how do I every conceive the thought of leaving her? It's impossible and it's the little things that she does that just solidifies her place in my heart, my life. Just like her, I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. And I will do anything and everything to keep her by my side.

Thank you God for placing her in my life.=)

Money Matters.

Stereo Love- Edward Maya feat. Alicia

Wah. Money can really be a bitch I tell you. And it's starting to cause my hair to grey and fall out in large amounts. Argh!

I need to get rid of my freaking broadband that costs me like $50 a month and like dad continously texts me asking if I passed mum the money. Oh god. I missed one month. ONE FREAKING MONTH!! Fair? I don't know. Apparently giving him a second chance is ok you know but me missing one fucking payment is a fucking huge deal. Annoying? You fucking bet. Haiz.

Room? umm.. We got a blanket and a pillow. Rina's being an angel again and just told us she want to pass us her COMPUTER!! NICEEEEE!!! But umm.. Space is a small issue. I'm getting used to this idea and things are moving along pretty well at this point. Every friday's clean the room day, thursday's laundry. I try to come back every night so Rachel never has to be alone here. Being alone here can take quite a toll and it's normally when I'm alone that I find myself here. Typing my life away.

I can't help but just wish things were different. That none of this had to happen. That if only I never was.. Ah fuck.. See what I mean by being alone can be quite a hassle. I pray no one close to me has to go through this. It's not any fun but I must say, I doing my best to take this positively and to find the brighter side to our times here.

This is where we begin. But I know it's definitely not where we'll end.=)

Fucking sian

Maybe I get frustrated too easily but honestly, sometimes it just feels she does things to get her way and then just drops it like she never said anything.

FUCKING ANNOYING. Ugh.

Time for bed. I have a lot more to say but just not the mood. Night.

CNY

Bass Down Low - The Cataracs

Fucking addicted to this song. Damn you Andy.

Anyways, the CNY holidays are here. Not bad except for the fact that there's nothing to fucking do! Thus, the officially hated holiday? CNY. PERIOD. I'm not a racist for sure but seriously, every fucking store on every corner closed? Then holiday for FUCK! Best part? everyone flocks to the freaking cinema. Yes, unless you're creativy or a romantic or a really good cook, there is actually nothing else to do here. It's the unfortunate truth. And me being my lazy self didn't bother cracking my head to figure out what Rach and I should do so we just headed out for a run. Yes, that's how we rebel. We're the most notorious activists you'll every meet. Heh! I suprise even myself with how lame I can get.

Felt that stupid homesick feeling yesterday. It lasted no more than a minute but it came to me and I didn't like it. Damn. I didn't think it'd set in so quickly. Not cool. The guys have been there throughout but honestly, I can't depend on them forever. We forgot to bring the gate key when we went out for our run yesterday and kinda made the owners come back to pass us the key. He really was pissed. Shit. It's not the same if this was family. It's with someone I'm not aquainted with. Fuck.

But I don't know. Why I am being such a baby? Honestly, there's Sam and so many other people out there that leave home to study and stuff. Maybe the reason to why you leave home matters? I want to believe otherwise. I need to. Because I don't think I'd like another homesick relapse.

The realistic optimist. This is the role I wanna play. Rach needs it and I DEFINITELY need this. Wish me luck.

Shack Tuesday.

Grenade - Bruno Mars

We woke up late today! Like wtf! Hahahaha! Rachel purposely took MC yesterday so like she wouldn't be late for work so as to not get marked down and here we were, up at 6.20. Nice. Heh! And how did we react? She turned to me, looked at me and just pouted. ADORABLE! I'm sorry but yes, that's how I felt. And we just started laughing crazy after that. Hmmm.. nonetheless, we took a cab and she got to work 30 mins late. I, of course, wasn't late but I just felt kinda bad because me oversleeping is probably the reason why she's even late.

Well the highlight of my day is this very sweet and thoughtful gesture demonstrated by Rach's sister in law. She simply passed her the deposit I paid for the room. In full. And even an extra $300 on top of it. I just can't comprehend this. As much as I think of it, I just can't get over the fact that someone can just support our cause without even knowing why we're doing this. Why we put ourselves into this position. But I'm thankful. SOO freaking thankful for their generousity. I just wish there was someway I could repay them for their kindness, I wish there was a way Rach and I could show our appreciation for all the people who have helped us tremendously during this tough period.

I get this feeling that sometimes people just look at us and think to themselves, how can this two just smile and go on with the days of their life so carefree. My friends, this is hardly the case. I live each day with thoughts and reasons to test why I even live each day the way I do. I can't even imagine what goes through her mind. But what I do know is that I've got too much to live for, too much to look forward to. I'm not going to look back and tell myself that I regret reliving my past to often to enjoy my present.

I like the way that sounded.

Bad day turn good.

Please don't go - Mike Posner

Bad day at work so all I wanted to do was run back home. No seriously. Run. HAHA!

It was an insane feeling but then I guess it's kinda impossible since like I gotta bring my wallet and everything back to my place so I just decided to be civil and head back home as a normal person would.

Got home to my love and she was being a lazy pig as usual. But today, she wanted to go jogging! So hey, not too bad I thought to myself. I'll still go running but as far as I would. How wrong I was. I barely broke a SWEAT! HAHAHA!

Looking at the way we're going, Rachel needs a lot of work. And since running is one of my all-time-quite-ok-at -doing things, I'm gonna help her. I just hope this collaboration is going to work out. Lol!

As for my space? I guess I'm getting used to it. Running around the estate kinda gave me a good feeling and I suppose I'll be doing it more often. I guess good things can come out from tough situations. You just gotta have a diamond right by your side.