Comfort.

Latch - Disclosure

Had an amazing conversation. In fact we've been having quite a few and she pretty much has me totally hanging onto every word.

Yes, it's a pretty good feeling and I'm glad about the timing it happened. Yeah, well we're taking it a step at a time but right now, it's at a good place and I have no intentions of messing it up.

In other news, last paper. Lets just do it and get it over with. Plan is to work out like an idiot after this is all done so I won't have to look at the mirror and squirm. Also to stop allowing Tash to call me fatty. Haha! Yes, it's a TOTALLY legit reason :)))

Wish me luck! :)

Farewell Nikki.

Angel - Sam's Version

Today we bid someone who I know I've not been there for a long time. Nikki girl, I apologise I didn't say yes earlier. I apologise for not being there when you needed someone. Most of all, I'm sorry I couldn't prevent your early departure from this world.

You were indeed a beautiful creature. Misunderstood most times. I will never forget spending all those times lying down and speaking to you while you were under the bed. It was beautiful. You taught me that how to bring myself down any level to make someone feel better.

Thank you for all the smiles and joys you brought into this world even though you were here for such a short while. There is some comfort in knowing that you're up there with Jakey boy. He probably misses you a whole lot.

Take care darling.

What did you expect?

I don't know honestly. I went into this with no expectations. Went on a gut feeling. Well I may say that they conversations were great and they a were a big part that attracted me to this.

But meeting her was even better. The chemistry, the flow, it all worked. It all flowed. People might say that I'm jumping to conclusion about something that could be nothing. I'd tell them that this is different. I know it is.

Well yeah, just wanted to let that out somewhere. Stupid Tash is no where to be found. LOL.

Just when somehow you start to feel that miracles only happen in fairy tales and sappy love stories. Heh.

Moved.

A man who cares about other people's happiness way too much + happiness personified as Tigger + a giant cuddle bear = Nigel Gill

Never expected it but hey, I was moved.

And suddenly, it became even harder to focus on anyone else.

Thank you my lucky stars.

That good feeling.

Been a while since I was last inspired to write. Met someone last night who writes (and writes well, mind you) and I guess I got a little inspired.

While I was out last night and I said a lot of things. I think I wanna take this moment to be thankful. Thankful for where I am right now. Thankful for the people who have molded me to who I am today.

First off, my Mum. Its needless to say that I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. Thank you for always being soo selfless and for tolerating my insanely bad habits. I know I've been nothing but a nuisance but I want to let you know that you have taught me the meaning of unconditional love. Though I still working at it, hopefully one day I'll love as fiercely as you do.

To my brother, Shaun. We've had our ups and downs but you'll always be my brother. You've taught me how to forgive. You've taught me that even though it feels like there's no coming back from a falling out, we can and we will. Thank you for that.

My dad has taught me how to lookout for my family and how to ensure I do all can to ensure they never go hungry. Thanks dad for always providing for us.

My friends. How do I even start.

Tash, you've always been there for me through everything. I want you to know I'd do anything for you. I want you to be happy bro. You've taught me the lesson of how people who aren't blood related can still feel like they've been put in your life as family. It's like you're really my brother and I couldn't be more honoured to have you in my life.

Thurga and Paul, you two are my inspiration. You allow me to believe that are souls who are fated to meet each other, will. Like Tash, you guys have always been there for me and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you for it. No words can describe it. I love you guys and I cannot wait for the day you get married. :)

Sam. Yes, we might not agree on many things but one thing we can agree on is that we cannot be happier that we're in each lives and at each other's sides. Though you're soo many miles away, you've never made it feel that way. I want you to know you've thought me how friends should treat each other. I have never really been a good friend to most people but I do what I can because of you. The way you care and show affection to me and all your friends is something that you should be proud of. Thank you.

The Exes. C'mon you had to know this was coming.

Sarrah, we had a tough tough time. But I want to thank you for all of it. Until today I will apologize for all that I've put you through but more than that, I want to thank you for who I am today. You taught me confidence. You made me realize I had a lot to appreciative of about myself and today,I cannot tell how much that means to me. Your growth inspires me to the same and I will continue to do so.

Rach. Rach Rach Rach. Haha! Everytime I think back to how we got to where we are today, I cannot help but allow my jaw to drop. It was an INSANE ride. But a good one nonetheless. From you, I've learned independence. I guess it's more from the experience we shared but that is my.biggest takeaway from our relationship. We too went through tough times and I guess that has molded us to be different people. Whether or not if it's for better or worse, I guess we'll see it soon enough. Just try to be safe will you. Heh.

To everyone else not mentioned, its not that you've not impacted me enough to make it up there but these are the people who I feel have taught me lessons which I depend heavily on as person. And that's all there is to it.

This feels good. It feels right. Nice. Haha! Right. Well I'm off. :)

A lot to catch up on...

It might be a turning point, it might not. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

Many lessons have been learnt but I haven't gotten to writing them yet. Maybe tomorrow or the day after. But I feel the positivity and I like it. =)

Refreshed

Today I met a friend of Shaun and Anais and it was pretty refreshing. I mean she didn't blow my mind or anything but she reminded me of what it was to meet someone free spirited. Her face lit up when she talked and she was alright with anything we did or drank that night.

Meet Aurelie. A bubbly girl who just loves cameras, travelling and food. Oh, and she REALLY loves New York. Haha! She kept talking about that place.

It's been a while since I wrote and I guess she inspired me. Kinda disappointed she's flying off soon but oh well. It is what it is. I guess God puts people like this in your life to remind of how good this life really is.

So hey, take a moment and ask yourself, do I deserve better? :)) Night!

That dark place.

Fuck the place that I'm in now. I want control. I want control of myself and I want it back now.

I also badly want someone to hold my hand and hold me and tell me everything's alright. I want somebody to love.

But I don't think I'm meant for it. I honestly don't. The more that times passes by, the more I feel I deserve to be where I'm at right now. Hell, I'm only 24 and it feels like I'm writing the letter of someone who's about to commit suicide.

Yeah so I said it. I'm in a dark place right now. All of us have been there. And all of us find ways to deal with it. I feel like I don't wanna put this on anybody so I'm putting this out there. To feel like I'm heard. To feel that someone cares. To feel that I matter.

Don't give me the lecture that I give everyone else who says exactly what I just said. I'm just not in the place to even listen. But please know that I do appreciate all the thoughts and advice but seriously, for now, just save it.

I'm in a dark place and I want to get out but I don't know how. It's like I'm drowning but it never ends. I never die. I just keep choking and trying to come up for air only to get sucked back in again.

Let her go.

Let her go - Passenger

We both lost a part of ourselves today. Happy Birthday Rachel. Happy 22nd. I truly only wish the best for you. 

On my end? I wish for the best too but hey, we all know that's not enough right? 

Remind me again what I did for my birthday? Oh well, hopefully I won't release that I love her when I let her go. 

Monday Blues.

Yeah that pretty much explains it. 

Pretty pissed at myself. Oh well what's new. Night.