That emptiness inside.

Clarity- Zedd

Tonight I'm empty. that's all I feel. It's like I wanna explode but I know that nothing's gonna come out.

I'm filled with soo many emotions and I wanna scream how much I miss soo much of life a few months ago but I can't. I won't. I need to move on and look ahead.

Since I've been on this journey, I've disappointed and hurt myself one too many times.

I did many things I thought I'd never do in my life and most of all, I went back to a lot of things I never thought I would.

Tonight, I'm filled with dwep regret of the things I've done and said and all I want to go back in time to make it right from start. Today, it's impossible to make me feel ok with myself.

I want to turn to God but yet I find that I need to do the best to help myself. And honestly, it's not been going very well.

That's all I wanna rant. I'm gonna try and sleep. Night.

Merry-go-round.

So it's been a pretty bad week. Exercised hard and ended up gaining weight. I'd like to say it's muscle, but when I look at my tummy, I can't say that I agree with that. HAHA!

Also, I fell back to that dark place again and I let it consume me. I don't know why and how but it happened and I just am really disappointed with myself. I feel I'm going round and round with how I'm dealing with myself as a person.

When I ask myself what do I want, the answer I come with is a spark. That's all I really want. I could make it for myself but unfortunately for present me, it's just too much work. As usual, I'm depending on God or someone else to make things happen for me.

I guess some things never can change.

Life of Pi

"I suppose the whole of life becomes an act of letting go but what really hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye."

That's the one quote in the movie that simply took my breath away. I'm not gonna go into the details of the whole show but I love how it drifted between reality and the perception of reality. I love how even at the end of the movie, I can believe that such a story might indeed be true and yet still wonder which parts were real and which weren't.

Most of all, I find meaning in putting faith in God and and in myself. I mean, yea, it's a movie but somehow it really got to me.

Nothing much to update about the week though. I think I'm still doing my best to find my footing and I know deep in myself that it'll take time. I'm just pretty tired of waiting for when I feel it'll be the right time to get off my ass and start actually making something happen. Oh well.

Maybe I should star putting a little faith into myself ey.

Just Cause.

Raisins are God's gift to cereal. Well at least to banana nut crunch. Yet, banana nut crunch had no idea about it. Until I came along. Yes, I'm Cupid for the breakfast I love soo much.

HAHA! Something random I just wanted to put that up just cause. Happy Tuesday everyone :)

RIP my friend.

If I was your man - Bruno Mars

This is gonna be a post that's gonna be all over the place. There's soo much to catch up on because I've been through quite a little bit over the last two weeks.

Last weekend I was involved in an training that was indeed pretty awesome. I learnt quite a bit from that training but whether I'm able to apply it is the difference. During that weekend, an unfortunate event occurred. A friend who I have known since secondary school was involved in a car accident and he was the driver. He was rescued only to be declared brain dead when he reached the hospital. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He's my age and he's name is Rammohan. When I visited him in the hospital, I saw many loved ones and many of the people from our artillery officer course was there as well. At least that was uplifting. To know that soo many loved ones were around brought me to a little bit of ease and honestly, I had the hope that maybe, just maybe he could wake up. I can't get the image of how he looked out of my head. I kept telling myself that it isn't fair. Why him? He was really such a great guy. Always there for his friends. Never trying to overdo things. He was always himself.

Unfortunately, the next day, he passed.

The conclusion I came to was that it was simply his time and that life is never something we can control. It just scares me because I'm the type to plan for thr future. This is not gonna make me stop that but I'm definitely gonna take some time to stop and smell the roses.

when this week began, I was looking forward to fixing my relationship but that wasn't to be either. The reason? Let's just say that as long as there's a mustard seed of doubt or negativity in one of the minds of the two in a relationship, no matter what happens, nothings gonna go the right way. And that is what happened here. Enough said. I'm gonna make the most of my time and just work on my life.

It's annoying that it happened because I honestly was optimistic but hey, if life always worked the way you wanted it to, then where's the challenge for us to live yea?

It's been a pretty eventful week. We also managed to book the flights and accomodations for Miami and Las Vegas so yes, 4th April to the 16th I'm gonna bid you bon voyage! At least that is something for me to be excited about :) I've moved back into my old place in Yishun so yea, I'm back to being in one of the greatest neighborhoods everrrrr. ;)

Time to get my ass of my bed and get my Sunday started. Hopefully I've got more positivity to post in my next blog.

Last but not least, Rest in Peace, Rammohan.