The 3rd Anniversary curse

I can't ignore it. Looking back at all the relationships I've cared about, they barely make it pass 3 years.

It seems like no matter how I change or believe that I've done my best to make my partner feel as though I've shown and done enough to make them realise that I worth their time and trust, it seems to always fall apart at the 3rd year.

It's fucking painful to wake up in the morning with the first thought being that I'm going to lose her. That I'm not going to be to prove that I can be different by messing up over something stupid.

I can feel it. I feel like I going to mess this up. And it sucks because it feels inevitable.

I'm not one to always pay attention to track records but with all that's going on right now, it's nearly impossible to ignore mine.

One More Light

One More Light - Linkin Park

Crazy sentimental song especially after what happened to Chester. But I can't think of a better soundtrack that would be fit this post.

One year has gone. And I'm filled with heaps of emotions. It's unfair that you've left us. No way would I ever believe it was your time. None of us grandkids had the chance to get married with you there or bring your great grand children into this world.

Your strength and will that made you you, warranted that you live a longer, more fulfilling life. But that wasn't to be.

Instead something that, even in today's day and age, could not be defined took you. Yes, there was heaps going on but you fought it all off only to succumb to something without a name. Of course it's always going to feel unfair.

But during that journey, something happened. Our family bonded. Our family unified stronger than ever before and you, during your better days, smiled wider than I've ever seen. Those are the moments I choose to hold on to when thinking about you.

I talk heaps about you and the experience I had while you weren't doing too well. And I know that it was then that I truly treasured family. What it means to have one, be a part of and believe in one. You've changed my outlook on family and that's why you'll always be remembered by me, by us.

Ma, thank you for being you. Thank you for teaching us the meaning of true strength and willpower. Thank you for bring us closer and unifying us as a family, even in your toughest moments.

I have and always will love you.

My Demon

I might lose what matters to me most because of a demon I've ignored all this time.

My need to drink beyond a high might just cost me everything. And I'm fucking worried I won't be able to play it to save my relationship.

For a long time I've been ignoring it. Believing that having that flaw was something acceptable and that it's a part of me. It's something I have no control over.

But it has really put some strain on my relationship. The love of my life, who I took such a long time trying to build a reliable foundation for our relationship with, saw me in a state if drunken stupor. And from then on, it has been a number of stupid actions that have lead to this realisation that if I don't conquer this demon, I might lose everything.

I'm scared. I'm worried. And I sure as hell am not sure if I can do it. But I want to. I must. I will.

Give me guidance and give me will. Here's me putting my best foot forward.