What did you expect?

I don't know honestly. I went into this with no expectations. Went on a gut feeling. Well I may say that they conversations were great and they a were a big part that attracted me to this.

But meeting her was even better. The chemistry, the flow, it all worked. It all flowed. People might say that I'm jumping to conclusion about something that could be nothing. I'd tell them that this is different. I know it is.

Well yeah, just wanted to let that out somewhere. Stupid Tash is no where to be found. LOL.

Just when somehow you start to feel that miracles only happen in fairy tales and sappy love stories. Heh.

Moved.

A man who cares about other people's happiness way too much + happiness personified as Tigger + a giant cuddle bear = Nigel Gill

Never expected it but hey, I was moved.

And suddenly, it became even harder to focus on anyone else.

Thank you my lucky stars.

That good feeling.

Been a while since I was last inspired to write. Met someone last night who writes (and writes well, mind you) and I guess I got a little inspired.

While I was out last night and I said a lot of things. I think I wanna take this moment to be thankful. Thankful for where I am right now. Thankful for the people who have molded me to who I am today.

First off, my Mum. Its needless to say that I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. Thank you for always being soo selfless and for tolerating my insanely bad habits. I know I've been nothing but a nuisance but I want to let you know that you have taught me the meaning of unconditional love. Though I still working at it, hopefully one day I'll love as fiercely as you do.

To my brother, Shaun. We've had our ups and downs but you'll always be my brother. You've taught me how to forgive. You've taught me that even though it feels like there's no coming back from a falling out, we can and we will. Thank you for that.

My dad has taught me how to lookout for my family and how to ensure I do all can to ensure they never go hungry. Thanks dad for always providing for us.

My friends. How do I even start.

Tash, you've always been there for me through everything. I want you to know I'd do anything for you. I want you to be happy bro. You've taught me the lesson of how people who aren't blood related can still feel like they've been put in your life as family. It's like you're really my brother and I couldn't be more honoured to have you in my life.

Thurga and Paul, you two are my inspiration. You allow me to believe that are souls who are fated to meet each other, will. Like Tash, you guys have always been there for me and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you for it. No words can describe it. I love you guys and I cannot wait for the day you get married. :)

Sam. Yes, we might not agree on many things but one thing we can agree on is that we cannot be happier that we're in each lives and at each other's sides. Though you're soo many miles away, you've never made it feel that way. I want you to know you've thought me how friends should treat each other. I have never really been a good friend to most people but I do what I can because of you. The way you care and show affection to me and all your friends is something that you should be proud of. Thank you.

The Exes. C'mon you had to know this was coming.

Sarrah, we had a tough tough time. But I want to thank you for all of it. Until today I will apologize for all that I've put you through but more than that, I want to thank you for who I am today. You taught me confidence. You made me realize I had a lot to appreciative of about myself and today,I cannot tell how much that means to me. Your growth inspires me to the same and I will continue to do so.

Rach. Rach Rach Rach. Haha! Everytime I think back to how we got to where we are today, I cannot help but allow my jaw to drop. It was an INSANE ride. But a good one nonetheless. From you, I've learned independence. I guess it's more from the experience we shared but that is my.biggest takeaway from our relationship. We too went through tough times and I guess that has molded us to be different people. Whether or not if it's for better or worse, I guess we'll see it soon enough. Just try to be safe will you. Heh.

To everyone else not mentioned, its not that you've not impacted me enough to make it up there but these are the people who I feel have taught me lessons which I depend heavily on as person. And that's all there is to it.

This feels good. It feels right. Nice. Haha! Right. Well I'm off. :)

A lot to catch up on...

It might be a turning point, it might not. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

Many lessons have been learnt but I haven't gotten to writing them yet. Maybe tomorrow or the day after. But I feel the positivity and I like it. =)

Refreshed

Today I met a friend of Shaun and Anais and it was pretty refreshing. I mean she didn't blow my mind or anything but she reminded me of what it was to meet someone free spirited. Her face lit up when she talked and she was alright with anything we did or drank that night.

Meet Aurelie. A bubbly girl who just loves cameras, travelling and food. Oh, and she REALLY loves New York. Haha! She kept talking about that place.

It's been a while since I wrote and I guess she inspired me. Kinda disappointed she's flying off soon but oh well. It is what it is. I guess God puts people like this in your life to remind of how good this life really is.

So hey, take a moment and ask yourself, do I deserve better? :)) Night!

That dark place.

Fuck the place that I'm in now. I want control. I want control of myself and I want it back now.

I also badly want someone to hold my hand and hold me and tell me everything's alright. I want somebody to love.

But I don't think I'm meant for it. I honestly don't. The more that times passes by, the more I feel I deserve to be where I'm at right now. Hell, I'm only 24 and it feels like I'm writing the letter of someone who's about to commit suicide.

Yeah so I said it. I'm in a dark place right now. All of us have been there. And all of us find ways to deal with it. I feel like I don't wanna put this on anybody so I'm putting this out there. To feel like I'm heard. To feel that someone cares. To feel that I matter.

Don't give me the lecture that I give everyone else who says exactly what I just said. I'm just not in the place to even listen. But please know that I do appreciate all the thoughts and advice but seriously, for now, just save it.

I'm in a dark place and I want to get out but I don't know how. It's like I'm drowning but it never ends. I never die. I just keep choking and trying to come up for air only to get sucked back in again.

Let her go.

Let her go - Passenger

We both lost a part of ourselves today. Happy Birthday Rachel. Happy 22nd. I truly only wish the best for you. 

On my end? I wish for the best too but hey, we all know that's not enough right? 

Remind me again what I did for my birthday? Oh well, hopefully I won't release that I love her when I let her go. 

Monday Blues.

Yeah that pretty much explains it. 

Pretty pissed at myself. Oh well what's new. Night.

The C word.

Cups (When I'm gone) - Anna Kendrick

Main thing that got me writing for this post the urge I had to want to talk to someone. Just meet someone and talk. So that I'll stop thinking about the what ifs. I had the urge for something very specific. 

I wanted to speak to someone who was female and could simply look me in the eyes and listen to everything I said. To not just listen but make the right comments and hold my hand. I wanted someone to make me feel safe. Like everything's gonna be alright. 

I think it's pretty damn obvious I miss companionship. Is that such a wrong thing really? I know it is I guess. And I know I'm supposed to be much stronger but for what really? I'm moving towards being being postive. I have actually been working out and studying and yea, the whole drinking thing failed this week again since I ended up at Patrick's place on Saturday but hey, I'm pretty fuckin unhappy. And I know it.

I asked myself what was my motivation to push myself to be happy and I came up with nothing. Not a fucking thing.

So if you can't tell yet, I'm preety pissed off. I shouldn't be saying half the things I am up there but hey, it's out so sue me.

Maybe I'll have better luck in the weeks to come.

One interesting point to note about this week was the glee episode and how the episode was a tribute to Cory Monteith who played Finn. It just reminded me of Jakey. I'm still really happy about the night we had to remember the things he did. He was happy. He was adventurous. And most of all, he was a kind kind soul. May his soul rest in peace. 

And with that, we'll end on a good note by introducing my baby niece! She was born on the 12th of Oct. Hopefully I'll get a chance to see her soon :) Time to man up and be a good uncle. Gotta make sure she never sees this blog first. Heh! Night.

Welcome to the Ground Zero.

Alone Together - Fall Out Boy

So week 1 of trying out a new routine. First was to keep sober over the weekend but that failed miserably on Friday night. I blame the fact that we had a happy hour and I guess I pushed that hour to the rest of the night but Saturday and Sunday was pretty ok.

Second, is to begin exercising again and working out pretty alright for now. 5 times week is a good number and I intend to keep it up =)

Third is to always go to work early so that I start my day off with a jog and some exercise and that need's a little help but hey, how much can only seriously accomplish in a week man! Gimme a friggin break.

Fourth is to focus on school and that's alright as well. I mean I did study every night when I got back from work and I did attend class when necessary so I'd give that a check =)

Made a couple of blunders though. Besides the my failed attempted to keep sober the whole weekend, I told Rach I love her. I mean, I know I do but I'm soo afraid it came out because I've been failing to find someone who I can feel the same for. It just sucks that there's nothing I can easily resort to to remind me why we're not together in the first place.

I did toy with idea that this love is the same feeling you get when you break up with someone who really meant something to you. It's like I'd be affected if I heard that they in a bad situation and I'd do what I can to help but not in the way that I cannot live without them. Like a friend type of love but more than that. I mean the 3 of them mean a lot to me and I'm who I am today either directly or indirectly because of them and I'd definitely be affected should anything happen to either one of them. But I'm gonna try to find out about how they're doing. I think that might be crossing the line. I mean, I've been doing just that and let's just say it's burnt me pretty damn badly.

Nonetheless, like I said, I'm just toying with the idea trying to understand what I truly feel. Hmmm.. Loving your ex, possible? I personally don't think it makes any sense but then again, how to do being to make sense of the situation that I'm in.

So yea, I'm just gonna keep to this routine for now and see how it goes. Concentrate on myself a little bit. I'm gonna try to forget about the long term goal. I'm doing it because if I don't figure me out, I'm never gonna figure out what I really wanna want. In love or in life.

So hey, the meter for week 1 is positive and we're gonna keep it that way. Wish me luck! =)