Rough Patch

Your Song - Elton John 

Was just watching Elton John's biopic titled Rocketman. Just watching him, an extremely talent homosexual man go through a childhood and the life he did hit me a little hard and got me in a mood to write. 

It's a rough patch at work. I don't feel particularly accepted or acknowledged in the circle that I'm in. And it sucks knowing that I need to head back to a place a dread. Don't get me wrong, I actually still enjoy the work in general but when I already find trouble in understanding the purpose of what I do, what really gets me is when the person I'm doing it for doesn't really seem that inspired or motivated to get it done. 

I think over time I've developed what some might call a thick skin but I feel I still rely much on the enthusiasm of those around me when it comes to a project. What does not help as well is the fact that I don't feel in sync with any of them. There's a myriad of reasons that I don't particularly want to go into but there are times when I've asked myself I'll be able to ride it out till there's change.

And that sucks. 

I mean I would never wish this on anyone because I mean, work is kinda one third (or even more for most) of your day. So having thoughts of not wanting to be there is quite demoralising. I have alot going on for me and I'm aware of that but somehow it doesn't seem enough. And yes, that friggin annoys me as well. 

There's a part of me thay says continue to be resilient and just to push on as I've done in the past. There's another part of me saying fuck it and just go to the other extreme of being incompetent. There's also a part that says stand up against what I don't agree with and see how that goes. 

All not the best options but I guess it is what it is. We'll see how this goes. 

Passings

One more light - Linkin Park

4 passings that I've been a part of within the last 5 years. And I guess each of them have thought me something.

When my grandmother passed, the lesson of family. And the importance of reaching out to them because when you pass, they'll be the ones who will be right there.

When the father of a friend passed, I realised at that moment that I would drop anything for anyone who I feel has had some impact to my life. Whether or not they reckon I'm important or worth their while, I'll do it. Is that a flaw? Or a strength? I'd rather leave that up in the air because I know I will continue to do so.

Then came the passing of my own father. That happened right after I tore my ACL and in the middle of National Day preparations. It was the moment I learnt what a huge heart the organisation I am apart of has. It was unbelievable. I was in the middle of dinner when the call came. I denied it. I wasn't going to believe it till I saw him. We made our way to NTFGH and there he was. It was tough but we all had to be strong. In a heart beat, the people who I was working with rallied around me and offered their support and condolences. His family was there with us in every single step. Again, another strong reminder that (1) this life is far beyond the control of any one of us and (2) the impressions you imagine would stick never do when onve mortality comes knocking. The love and support we received during that period was indescribable.

Then comes the passing of the mother of a close friend. He felt the need to worry that not enough people would be around to carry his mother. I can not even begin to tell you how my heart wrenched at that moment. I can't imagine having anyone I care about wondering if anyone would be there for them when they need it most. Quickly, mutual friends we knew rallied and supported him. Another reason to remember that I'm part of an organisation with people who know what truly matters and when to be there when it mattered.

I just wanted to put this down somewhere so I could look back at it and remember how such sad moments reminded me of how beautiful this world is. And how we need to remember to always maintain those relationships.

FUCK THIS

They tell that if you toil and put in the work, it'll all work out for you.

Well I'm here to tell you that even if you've been on the outside watching a love one go though walls and ceilings to achieve her dreams, it might not always work out.

Question is, how the fuck do you deal with it? And how do you find a way to support her when you yourself torn beyond recognition.

Gotta admit I did not prep myself for this to the level required.

The Difference

Adventure of a Lifetime - Coldplay

Went out with with a different group of individuals tonight. Honestly, there was a different kind of music. A different sound. A different hymn to what I was used to in the life I've lived up till today.

They give me the feeling that there's soo much more out there than I could ever imagine. For sure I love what I do but it doesn't mean I gotta ignore what excites or intrigues me. And I'll be honest, I'm intrigued about how I'd do out there.

Am I a piece a coal about to miss out my moment to be a diamond or am I simply a diamond try hard to increase my retail value?

Weirdly enough, I feel THAT is the true question of life.

The Vegas Shooting

"I feel engulf by the emotion to go up to someone in authority and shout DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

But then I realise it's not my country and therefore, in this sick world, not my place even though they are part of my race. The human race."

A comment I made on a friend's post.

59 killed, 500 injured. What would it take for us to figure out that we don't need any type or weapon for us to practise the freedom of thought.

The 3rd Anniversary curse

I can't ignore it. Looking back at all the relationships I've cared about, they barely make it pass 3 years.

It seems like no matter how I change or believe that I've done my best to make my partner feel as though I've shown and done enough to make them realise that I worth their time and trust, it seems to always fall apart at the 3rd year.

It's fucking painful to wake up in the morning with the first thought being that I'm going to lose her. That I'm not going to be to prove that I can be different by messing up over something stupid.

I can feel it. I feel like I going to mess this up. And it sucks because it feels inevitable.

I'm not one to always pay attention to track records but with all that's going on right now, it's nearly impossible to ignore mine.

One More Light

One More Light - Linkin Park

Crazy sentimental song especially after what happened to Chester. But I can't think of a better soundtrack that would be fit this post.

One year has gone. And I'm filled with heaps of emotions. It's unfair that you've left us. No way would I ever believe it was your time. None of us grandkids had the chance to get married with you there or bring your great grand children into this world.

Your strength and will that made you you, warranted that you live a longer, more fulfilling life. But that wasn't to be.

Instead something that, even in today's day and age, could not be defined took you. Yes, there was heaps going on but you fought it all off only to succumb to something without a name. Of course it's always going to feel unfair.

But during that journey, something happened. Our family bonded. Our family unified stronger than ever before and you, during your better days, smiled wider than I've ever seen. Those are the moments I choose to hold on to when thinking about you.

I talk heaps about you and the experience I had while you weren't doing too well. And I know that it was then that I truly treasured family. What it means to have one, be a part of and believe in one. You've changed my outlook on family and that's why you'll always be remembered by me, by us.

Ma, thank you for being you. Thank you for teaching us the meaning of true strength and willpower. Thank you for bring us closer and unifying us as a family, even in your toughest moments.

I have and always will love you.

My Demon

I might lose what matters to me most because of a demon I've ignored all this time.

My need to drink beyond a high might just cost me everything. And I'm fucking worried I won't be able to play it to save my relationship.

For a long time I've been ignoring it. Believing that having that flaw was something acceptable and that it's a part of me. It's something I have no control over.

But it has really put some strain on my relationship. The love of my life, who I took such a long time trying to build a reliable foundation for our relationship with, saw me in a state if drunken stupor. And from then on, it has been a number of stupid actions that have lead to this realisation that if I don't conquer this demon, I might lose everything.

I'm scared. I'm worried. And I sure as hell am not sure if I can do it. But I want to. I must. I will.

Give me guidance and give me will. Here's me putting my best foot forward.

Keeps me breathing

Felt the need the need to write tonight. Things have changed quite a bit and now the future seems alot clearer than it has ever been.

I am slowly grasping the idea that as I go through life the number of friends I'll have will constantly dwindle. And it's not necessarily a bad thing but somehow when I look back on what I thought life would pan out, it is nowhere close. Heh.

Getting my degree is indeed pretty amazing but it's not all what I imagine it to feel. In fact alot of things aren't panning out to be exactly according to expectation. Some above them but of course, a few below them. Some, I did not even see coming.

I remember always craving to lead and yet now when I'm in the position to do so, I constantly seem to be questioning myself. Yep, I never quite thought I would be doing that. But I do it while consoling myself that it makes me an open minded leader. But does it really?

I always had my mind set on being married and having kids by the time I'm 29 and here I am at 27 looking at everyone on Facebook getting engaged, married and having kids. Am I bummed? Not really. Why? I still believe I have time. 

Being brought up here constantly makes me feel like I'm in a time pressure cooker. Like I constantly have to rush everything about my life so that it "works out". What the hell does "work out" actually mean? Does that mean I'm happy? Contented? With kids, a wife, a house and a car?

I don't know what it means to be honest but I know now that I still have time. I need to come to terms with that if I intend to continue down this path my life is headed. I must remain resolute that things have their time and place and rushing it would most probably lead things to NOT "work out" instead.

Keep calm and just keep on keepin on. 

My 26th

~A playlist done by Rachelyn for me~

So I've been meaning to write for quite a while now and I guess I finally got the sense, wit and balls to write tonight. =)

So it's May and much has happened from January and yes, it's been one heck of a roller coaster. And I'm convinced the next half of year is not going to be any easier. Many conversations have been had about how we're gonna cope but somehow, we always fall back on the fact that things will work out. No couple, rational or irrational, can confidently state that they will always sail past troubled waters. Most of it is left up to fate and most of the time, all we have to depend on is each other.

I must say that things with her are insanely different from what I'm used to and to be honest, it is a actually a pretty good difference. It's alot more mature, a mutual understanding and a willingness to hear each other out. I guess it was important that I went through to all the relationships I went through to finally reach the state where I can truly appreciate what I have at this moment of time.

Thank you.

These 26 years, I've been through... Let's say that a lot doesn't seem to actually hit the spot. I've loved, I've lost. I've friended and I have have questioned those friendships. I thought I had the understanding of true love only to see it burn right in front of me. Heck, I'm even facilitating it because the foundation upon it is built on doesn't coincide with my values. Yes, the fact that he is related to me does worry me. I mean, how does one ignore genetics and upbringing, right? But I am the child of my beautiful mother as well and that is fact I will choose to hold on to. 

On the front of friendships, it's hard to comment and come to conclusion on what I have experienced but what I know I need to let out is that people change. For crying out loud, one of the most common sayings is that change is only constant. And if we are not willing to change, if we continuously believe that we are amazing individuals who do not require change or that we should ALWAYS be accepted for who are, then maybe we don't fully understand what dealing with real life is about. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that you cannot be yourself. Sure you can. Go ahead, be yourself but be very aware of the consequences of doing so. And if it something you're willing to deal with, be my guest. If it isn't, then get with the program and be adaptable. Understand that the world revolves around the Sun and not us. I've gladly accepted that and I truly believe I'm a little happier for doing so. 

Happiness. Hah. Maybe a topic I shan't dwell too much into except for the fact that I'm 26 and it's about time I did what I could to make me happy. Before long it'll be down to me thinking about whether I've made the fullest of my life. That would be one heck of a moment ey.

As I take a deep breath and another sip of my Blue Moon (yes, it's soo fuckin good), I look back at my 26 years and realise that there isn't a point to speak about the the love I've had or lost. What matters is that thanks to everyone I've had the blessing to meet, I am person I am today. Am I unhappy with me now? Hell no. Are there things I can work on? Most definitely and that is the reason why I will continue to live. To push on. To exist.

Much Love, Good Night and Sweet dreams Starry skies.