Never thought this would go this way.

Believer - American Authors

Well it was a day of many firsts last Friday when I went for my first concert! I mean it wasn't an awesome line up but nonetheless, at least it was something that I've never done before.

It seems that I'm continuously looking for that. New people, new experiences maybe even a new Nigel. Even went to the Gardens by the Bay for the concert and realised it was indeed a really beautiful place. If only I could find that somewhere inside of me. 

I couldn't frame this entry properly because my head's not in the right frame. I'm confused about the person I am and how I should be myself. I'm soo tired of constantly being the nice guy. A wise friend once told me that we're all grey and that we should strive to be as good as we can but seriously, it's soo frustrating sometimes.

I look around and see some people being complete asses and they get away with everything scot-free. I mean sometimes I ever wonder whether doing the right thing is worth it anymore.

I know I'm going all over the place with the post but just give me a moment. I need to just to rant. I'm in the pursuit of happiness but I don't even know what the hell it looks like or whether it is even worth chasing after.

I'm just pissed off. Funny how I started this post wanting to be all happy and yet I still ended up this way. Maybe I'm just doomed to emotional posts for the rest of my life. Heh. Look at me and the music I'm listening to, the irony. 

Night. 

Oh well..

Just keep breathing - We the Kings 

Today we saw one of founders of Galaticos leave the team for good. Not that it's never happened before but, he's of those I thought I'd see around the end of this team's time.

I guess what I've learnt is that things aren't really in your foci of control. Any one of them and all you gotta do is just let it be. It sucks because I know I tried but like I know very well, once a man whose  loss his belonging and he's lost his feeling of welcome, there's nothing that could stop him from leaving.

I mean there's soo much I could say about the disappointment, anger and resentment but I'd rather just wish the best to this person. To the rest of his decisions for all is future endeavors.

Once apart of Galaticos, always apart of Galaticos. Yes, we're not much but we're definitely a team brought together thanks to the stars. Take care and god bless my friend

Point in fighting losing battles?

Sometimes I don't get why I do it. Why I even bother standing up for my beliefs against people who probably can't give a rat's ass about what I think. I mean, if I'm not willing to accept their opinion, why the hell would they see my point.

I feel as though I'm always taking the a neutral point of view. It seems that I take a more Nigel point of view. Is that even the right thing to do? I've noticed this trend in my past few discussions and debates and am now just baffled at the way I respond to certain situations.

Normally I'm soo sure but now I'm doubting myself again. I guess it's because I know I'm not the best version of me. And also because I seem to be conitnously putting myself in a position to give advice to others when I don't even have my shit together.

There's always a saying where the worse advice is free advice. Weirdly enough, I've never asked for a single cent whenever I give out advice. Go figure.

Nonetheless, I'm still gonna continue to be there for those I want to and we'll see where this behaviour brings me.

On a side note, been able to keep the weight down. Now time to muscle up a little and maybe grow some hair. Yun Nam, anyone? Haha!

Was watching Black Hawk Down when I saw this by Plato,

"Only the dead see the end of War."

Damn. Well, with that, I wish you good night =) have a good week!!

The Runaway.

So I'm waiting around and when I wait what I do? Yes, I think.

I realise I've still been going in reverse and I'm in a spiral that seems to be hurting those around me. I spoke about wanting company and I thought I found someone who could be that company I was looking for but I'm not too sure anymore.

I'm in run away from any commitment mode. I can't. I know I'm not gonna be all in. It's not fair to either one of us. And I don't want that. All I want is company but somehow, this person makes me feel that to expect that is wrong.

I blame me. My actions. What I choose to say. Everything. I need to be more aware I guess. But if I'm aware, I won't be myself. I don't want that.

Essentially, I want a girlfriend who's not my girlfriend. The fuck is wrong with me. God knows.

Well look at the time. Yep, it's time to get shit-faced. See you in the morning, I hope :)

Meet Ups.

Why am I the One - F.U.N

I don't like where I'm at with myself right now. I mean I'm sure of what I want to do seriously, don't get me wrong but what I want out of life. I don't want a girlfriend. I want someone who I can simply have kickass conversations with and would just chill out with me with no strings attached.

What sucks is that I tend to be flirty and I think that bounces off the wrong way. I would hate being led on and it's only right that I not lead anyone along. But once I break that news, what's really holding anyone from staying?

Maybe what I expect isn't possible. It probably is. But then how do I build myself when I have that constant feeling that something's missing.

Fill that with something else? If only. Well I promised I would talk about Miami and Vegas but how does one explain one of his peak life experiences on a piece of paper. Some can, not me. I'll tell you when I feel I have it right.

Till then, it's me, myself and I. Night.

The Laptop IS BACK!!

Say hello again to my Lenovo!! She's BACK!

She's been down with the 'cannot hit Enter' virus and I got that fixed! It cost me $70 bucks but hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

I won't be spamming much but what I will do is try to recollect my Miami - Vegas trips in a few parts.

Went through quite a bit there and I want a space I can look back at the whole trip. Now that my laptop's back, nothing's standing in my way! Haha!

Well I'm off! =)

That emptiness inside.

Clarity- Zedd

Tonight I'm empty. that's all I feel. It's like I wanna explode but I know that nothing's gonna come out.

I'm filled with soo many emotions and I wanna scream how much I miss soo much of life a few months ago but I can't. I won't. I need to move on and look ahead.

Since I've been on this journey, I've disappointed and hurt myself one too many times.

I did many things I thought I'd never do in my life and most of all, I went back to a lot of things I never thought I would.

Tonight, I'm filled with dwep regret of the things I've done and said and all I want to go back in time to make it right from start. Today, it's impossible to make me feel ok with myself.

I want to turn to God but yet I find that I need to do the best to help myself. And honestly, it's not been going very well.

That's all I wanna rant. I'm gonna try and sleep. Night.

Merry-go-round.

So it's been a pretty bad week. Exercised hard and ended up gaining weight. I'd like to say it's muscle, but when I look at my tummy, I can't say that I agree with that. HAHA!

Also, I fell back to that dark place again and I let it consume me. I don't know why and how but it happened and I just am really disappointed with myself. I feel I'm going round and round with how I'm dealing with myself as a person.

When I ask myself what do I want, the answer I come with is a spark. That's all I really want. I could make it for myself but unfortunately for present me, it's just too much work. As usual, I'm depending on God or someone else to make things happen for me.

I guess some things never can change.

Life of Pi

"I suppose the whole of life becomes an act of letting go but what really hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye."

That's the one quote in the movie that simply took my breath away. I'm not gonna go into the details of the whole show but I love how it drifted between reality and the perception of reality. I love how even at the end of the movie, I can believe that such a story might indeed be true and yet still wonder which parts were real and which weren't.

Most of all, I find meaning in putting faith in God and and in myself. I mean, yea, it's a movie but somehow it really got to me.

Nothing much to update about the week though. I think I'm still doing my best to find my footing and I know deep in myself that it'll take time. I'm just pretty tired of waiting for when I feel it'll be the right time to get off my ass and start actually making something happen. Oh well.

Maybe I should star putting a little faith into myself ey.

Just Cause.

Raisins are God's gift to cereal. Well at least to banana nut crunch. Yet, banana nut crunch had no idea about it. Until I came along. Yes, I'm Cupid for the breakfast I love soo much.

HAHA! Something random I just wanted to put that up just cause. Happy Tuesday everyone :)