Making Space

Started looking deeper at my life and what can be kept and where adjustments are needed. 

There were some areas that needed a preamble as I kick this off and I did it the best way I knew how. 

Again, fucking hard decision and action to take but for the sake of my life and my relationships, I have to do this.

Max - My Son who Saved Me

It is the 20th of May and we're excited to find out your gender! 

Little did we know that you weren't doing as well as we had hoped for. 

Now you return Home to Him. And you do that knowing that you're my son and you saved my life.

Thank you for being our angel to help me find my way. You've made such an impact and we will never forget you. Max, We will always love you. 

Growth and Acceptance

Hey hey, Happy 2022.

We kinda made it I guess. Covid's still around and we're still finding ways to navigate it and it's a pretty apt description of what I'm trying to do with my life as well.

I'm at a point where my luck's pretty much run out from my point of view. I've been having this fraud complex where I don't deserve where I am at the moment and finally, certain things are coming about to reinforce this. 

Now, it's really about whether I believe it or whether I fight it. And to be honest, it feels like I should just see where it leads me because what means more to me is the rest of my life with her rather than what the organisation thinks I'm capable to doing/achieving.

Does it really matter to me? Am I that ambitious? I'd say I'm probably not. I tried explaining to her that I'm motivated (to a certain point) but not ambitious however, that apparently makes no sense. Well it does to me and I'm sticking by it. 

I've learnt much over the past year and I truly feel like I'm in a much better place but there is still much for me to do to reach my potential. 

What I'm struggling with now is understanding what my potential actually is and how do I find the steps to lead me there. 

There has been growth from my perspective. I'm alot more open to reading and getting in front of my tasks. But I guess the troubles from last year have come to haunt me by reminding me that I'm not as capable as I would think I am. 

And rightly so to be honest. I think that's the important thing I need to do. Accept it. Accept that hey, there's alot more I need to do in order to even be anywhere close to is required by this organisation. What I'm comfortable with is definitely not enough and I need to be OK with that. 

Like she shared with me, this just might be God's way of showing me the way to how I can contribute better. Or maybe to leading me to go somewhere else? 

We'll see how that goes. :) 

Reaching Out

Lay Me Down - Sam Smith 

Hey, not sure if you already know but I've been dealing with quite a bit of anxiety and stress from the work I do. Actually, there was this one moment where I was trying to reach out but I held back.

I think the world of you and her but I'm also well aware that I don't really show that I'm the "there for it all" kinda friend.

And I get that. Not sure if I'll change but it'll be nice to get back to where we once were. 

Acknowledging Progress

Lost Stars - Adam Levine 

Today when I was speaking or trying to update stuff I noticed myself making efforts to try and practise what was expected of me. I know it's probably not much but I can see myself improving and I think it's important that I appreciate and acknowledge it. 

Much anxiety and stress is probably caused by not acknowledging progress made and I don't wanna make that mistake. 

There's an uptick in my mood and this is very very welcomed. 

Now I gotta make efforts to continue this progress and not to slip up. 

Doing better

Somehow I've managed to find relaxation and an ability to deal with the matters at hand. Maybe it's because I wasn't feeling too well and got an MC but something really feels different. 

We'll see how this goes but I wanted to record this somewhere and no better place than here. 

Fingers crossed. 

Rough Patch

Your Song - Elton John 

Was just watching Elton John's biopic titled Rocketman. Just watching him, an extremely talent homosexual man go through a childhood and the life he did hit me a little hard and got me in a mood to write. 

It's a rough patch at work. I don't feel particularly accepted or acknowledged in the circle that I'm in. And it sucks knowing that I need to head back to a place a dread. Don't get me wrong, I actually still enjoy the work in general but when I already find trouble in understanding the purpose of what I do, what really gets me is when the person I'm doing it for doesn't really seem that inspired or motivated to get it done. 

I think over time I've developed what some might call a thick skin but I feel I still rely much on the enthusiasm of those around me when it comes to a project. What does not help as well is the fact that I don't feel in sync with any of them. There's a myriad of reasons that I don't particularly want to go into but there are times when I've asked myself I'll be able to ride it out till there's change.

And that sucks. 

I mean I would never wish this on anyone because I mean, work is kinda one third (or even more for most) of your day. So having thoughts of not wanting to be there is quite demoralising. I have alot going on for me and I'm aware of that but somehow it doesn't seem enough. And yes, that friggin annoys me as well. 

There's a part of me thay says continue to be resilient and just to push on as I've done in the past. There's another part of me saying fuck it and just go to the other extreme of being incompetent. There's also a part that says stand up against what I don't agree with and see how that goes. 

All not the best options but I guess it is what it is. We'll see how this goes. 

Passings

One more light - Linkin Park

4 passings that I've been a part of within the last 5 years. And I guess each of them have thought me something.

When my grandmother passed, the lesson of family. And the importance of reaching out to them because when you pass, they'll be the ones who will be right there.

When the father of a friend passed, I realised at that moment that I would drop anything for anyone who I feel has had some impact to my life. Whether or not they reckon I'm important or worth their while, I'll do it. Is that a flaw? Or a strength? I'd rather leave that up in the air because I know I will continue to do so.

Then came the passing of my own father. That happened right after I tore my ACL and in the middle of National Day preparations. It was the moment I learnt what a huge heart the organisation I am apart of has. It was unbelievable. I was in the middle of dinner when the call came. I denied it. I wasn't going to believe it till I saw him. We made our way to NTFGH and there he was. It was tough but we all had to be strong. In a heart beat, the people who I was working with rallied around me and offered their support and condolences. His family was there with us in every single step. Again, another strong reminder that (1) this life is far beyond the control of any one of us and (2) the impressions you imagine would stick never do when onve mortality comes knocking. The love and support we received during that period was indescribable.

Then comes the passing of the mother of a close friend. He felt the need to worry that not enough people would be around to carry his mother. I can not even begin to tell you how my heart wrenched at that moment. I can't imagine having anyone I care about wondering if anyone would be there for them when they need it most. Quickly, mutual friends we knew rallied and supported him. Another reason to remember that I'm part of an organisation with people who know what truly matters and when to be there when it mattered.

I just wanted to put this down somewhere so I could look back at it and remember how such sad moments reminded me of how beautiful this world is. And how we need to remember to always maintain those relationships.

FUCK THIS

They tell that if you toil and put in the work, it'll all work out for you.

Well I'm here to tell you that even if you've been on the outside watching a love one go though walls and ceilings to achieve her dreams, it might not always work out.

Question is, how the fuck do you deal with it? And how do you find a way to support her when you yourself torn beyond recognition.

Gotta admit I did not prep myself for this to the level required.

The Difference

Adventure of a Lifetime - Coldplay

Went out with with a different group of individuals tonight. Honestly, there was a different kind of music. A different sound. A different hymn to what I was used to in the life I've lived up till today.

They give me the feeling that there's soo much more out there than I could ever imagine. For sure I love what I do but it doesn't mean I gotta ignore what excites or intrigues me. And I'll be honest, I'm intrigued about how I'd do out there.

Am I a piece a coal about to miss out my moment to be a diamond or am I simply a diamond try hard to increase my retail value?

Weirdly enough, I feel THAT is the true question of life.

The Vegas Shooting

"I feel engulf by the emotion to go up to someone in authority and shout DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

But then I realise it's not my country and therefore, in this sick world, not my place even though they are part of my race. The human race."

A comment I made on a friend's post.

59 killed, 500 injured. What would it take for us to figure out that we don't need any type or weapon for us to practise the freedom of thought.

The 3rd Anniversary curse

I can't ignore it. Looking back at all the relationships I've cared about, they barely make it pass 3 years.

It seems like no matter how I change or believe that I've done my best to make my partner feel as though I've shown and done enough to make them realise that I worth their time and trust, it seems to always fall apart at the 3rd year.

It's fucking painful to wake up in the morning with the first thought being that I'm going to lose her. That I'm not going to be to prove that I can be different by messing up over something stupid.

I can feel it. I feel like I going to mess this up. And it sucks because it feels inevitable.

I'm not one to always pay attention to track records but with all that's going on right now, it's nearly impossible to ignore mine.

One More Light

One More Light - Linkin Park

Crazy sentimental song especially after what happened to Chester. But I can't think of a better soundtrack that would be fit this post.

One year has gone. And I'm filled with heaps of emotions. It's unfair that you've left us. No way would I ever believe it was your time. None of us grandkids had the chance to get married with you there or bring your great grand children into this world.

Your strength and will that made you you, warranted that you live a longer, more fulfilling life. But that wasn't to be.

Instead something that, even in today's day and age, could not be defined took you. Yes, there was heaps going on but you fought it all off only to succumb to something without a name. Of course it's always going to feel unfair.

But during that journey, something happened. Our family bonded. Our family unified stronger than ever before and you, during your better days, smiled wider than I've ever seen. Those are the moments I choose to hold on to when thinking about you.

I talk heaps about you and the experience I had while you weren't doing too well. And I know that it was then that I truly treasured family. What it means to have one, be a part of and believe in one. You've changed my outlook on family and that's why you'll always be remembered by me, by us.

Ma, thank you for being you. Thank you for teaching us the meaning of true strength and willpower. Thank you for bring us closer and unifying us as a family, even in your toughest moments.

I have and always will love you.

My Demon

I might lose what matters to me most because of a demon I've ignored all this time.

My need to drink beyond a high might just cost me everything. And I'm fucking worried I won't be able to play it to save my relationship.

For a long time I've been ignoring it. Believing that having that flaw was something acceptable and that it's a part of me. It's something I have no control over.

But it has really put some strain on my relationship. The love of my life, who I took such a long time trying to build a reliable foundation for our relationship with, saw me in a state if drunken stupor. And from then on, it has been a number of stupid actions that have lead to this realisation that if I don't conquer this demon, I might lose everything.

I'm scared. I'm worried. And I sure as hell am not sure if I can do it. But I want to. I must. I will.

Give me guidance and give me will. Here's me putting my best foot forward.

Keeps me breathing

Felt the need the need to write tonight. Things have changed quite a bit and now the future seems alot clearer than it has ever been.

I am slowly grasping the idea that as I go through life the number of friends I'll have will constantly dwindle. And it's not necessarily a bad thing but somehow when I look back on what I thought life would pan out, it is nowhere close. Heh.

Getting my degree is indeed pretty amazing but it's not all what I imagine it to feel. In fact alot of things aren't panning out to be exactly according to expectation. Some above them but of course, a few below them. Some, I did not even see coming.

I remember always craving to lead and yet now when I'm in the position to do so, I constantly seem to be questioning myself. Yep, I never quite thought I would be doing that. But I do it while consoling myself that it makes me an open minded leader. But does it really?

I always had my mind set on being married and having kids by the time I'm 29 and here I am at 27 looking at everyone on Facebook getting engaged, married and having kids. Am I bummed? Not really. Why? I still believe I have time. 

Being brought up here constantly makes me feel like I'm in a time pressure cooker. Like I constantly have to rush everything about my life so that it "works out". What the hell does "work out" actually mean? Does that mean I'm happy? Contented? With kids, a wife, a house and a car?

I don't know what it means to be honest but I know now that I still have time. I need to come to terms with that if I intend to continue down this path my life is headed. I must remain resolute that things have their time and place and rushing it would most probably lead things to NOT "work out" instead.

Keep calm and just keep on keepin on. 

My 26th

~A playlist done by Rachelyn for me~

So I've been meaning to write for quite a while now and I guess I finally got the sense, wit and balls to write tonight. =)

So it's May and much has happened from January and yes, it's been one heck of a roller coaster. And I'm convinced the next half of year is not going to be any easier. Many conversations have been had about how we're gonna cope but somehow, we always fall back on the fact that things will work out. No couple, rational or irrational, can confidently state that they will always sail past troubled waters. Most of it is left up to fate and most of the time, all we have to depend on is each other.

I must say that things with her are insanely different from what I'm used to and to be honest, it is a actually a pretty good difference. It's alot more mature, a mutual understanding and a willingness to hear each other out. I guess it was important that I went through to all the relationships I went through to finally reach the state where I can truly appreciate what I have at this moment of time.

Thank you.

These 26 years, I've been through... Let's say that a lot doesn't seem to actually hit the spot. I've loved, I've lost. I've friended and I have have questioned those friendships. I thought I had the understanding of true love only to see it burn right in front of me. Heck, I'm even facilitating it because the foundation upon it is built on doesn't coincide with my values. Yes, the fact that he is related to me does worry me. I mean, how does one ignore genetics and upbringing, right? But I am the child of my beautiful mother as well and that is fact I will choose to hold on to. 

On the front of friendships, it's hard to comment and come to conclusion on what I have experienced but what I know I need to let out is that people change. For crying out loud, one of the most common sayings is that change is only constant. And if we are not willing to change, if we continuously believe that we are amazing individuals who do not require change or that we should ALWAYS be accepted for who are, then maybe we don't fully understand what dealing with real life is about. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that you cannot be yourself. Sure you can. Go ahead, be yourself but be very aware of the consequences of doing so. And if it something you're willing to deal with, be my guest. If it isn't, then get with the program and be adaptable. Understand that the world revolves around the Sun and not us. I've gladly accepted that and I truly believe I'm a little happier for doing so. 

Happiness. Hah. Maybe a topic I shan't dwell too much into except for the fact that I'm 26 and it's about time I did what I could to make me happy. Before long it'll be down to me thinking about whether I've made the fullest of my life. That would be one heck of a moment ey.

As I take a deep breath and another sip of my Blue Moon (yes, it's soo fuckin good), I look back at my 26 years and realise that there isn't a point to speak about the the love I've had or lost. What matters is that thanks to everyone I've had the blessing to meet, I am person I am today. Am I unhappy with me now? Hell no. Are there things I can work on? Most definitely and that is the reason why I will continue to live. To push on. To exist.

Much Love, Good Night and Sweet dreams Starry skies. 

If the heavens ever did speak..

We were brought into world for a purpose. Or was it for multiple purposes? What were we actually placed here to do here?

Should we track back to pre-historic times where our objective was to prevent the extinction of our own species and to simply survive and then reproduce? Or should we look at the terms by which success is defined today meaning you've won the race the moment you own a car, yatch, mansion with 5 storeys and waaaay more rooms than your family has people. 

If the heavens could speak, what would they say about how we should love our lives. Sure there are holy scriptures that already have mentioned what we should be doing but what if we have a different perspective. What if we believe we should go off the path suggested by these scriptures. Does that make us sinners or entrepreneurs?

This world is full of contradictions that it makes it soo easy to lose yourself. It's easy to lose your loved ones. It's easy to lose your Higher being who ever he/she may be.

So then, how do we actually understand our purpose? Heck if I know but if you do, I'm all ears.

The Wedding Conversation

I don't like it. I don't fancy it at all.

I don't know what turns me off most about it but I guess it's the feeling of how formal the whole proceeding is. Reggy's wedding still is the best hands down and that's probably the concept I'll adopt.

Simple, laid back and as informal as possible. With all those that matter. A kickass reception with heaps of drinks and pumping music.

Heh! Now only if the bride would agree. Hmmm..

2015- Day 1

Literally chilled out with family and went through the photos of yesteryear. She was here too and probably the main reason why we decided to start going through the albums :) HAHA!

I realised that I wanted to share with her as much as I could. I wanted her to know me for me. I wanted her to realise that I'm here to bear my soul so she knows that there's someone there she could possibly place her trust, her heart.

It was also a good time to make me realise how far my family and I have come. A lot has change and many have moved on. There are of course the blessed ones who have stayed on throughout all that has happened and I could not be more proud to call you family. Yes, even the friends who have stayed on, you probably already know I consider you my family.

Good first day of the year and hopefully many many more to come. I must admit, the challenge of the year does faze me a little, but I shall not waver. :)

Happy 2015 you sexy bunch. :)

Thank you 2014, Hello 2015!!

2014 has been a blessing honestly. I look back at it and cannot be more sure that 2014 has definitely been one of the best years of my life. Of course there were the downs but overall, the highs do outnumber the lows. Soo much to be thankful for. Thank you 2014 and all the people who had a part to play in making it such an amazing year.

Time and Focus. That's what I know I need for 2015 because it's gonna be one heck of the challenging year with the crazy amount of stuff lined up, both at work and school. Final year at school so best we keep our fingers crossed! It's going to be crazy year for Rachelyn as well so we're gonna have to work extra hard to be able to fulfill all our commitments, especially our commitment to each other.

2015, bring it on. =)