When you stop running.

I feel nobody knows me. Knows the deep dark me that lurks beneath the shadows. If anyone does, they'll just leave me. For that I'm sure.

I want to learn to live alone but I can't. I soo weak that it disgusts me. I'm soo warped inside that it disgusts me. I'm soo selfish that only I matter and that really disgusts me.

I don't want to change to save the one thing that makes me happy because of a selfish need. Without even sparing a thought for her, for what she's been through. After all that, any person would do the right thing, but not me. I choose to stick by what I think is right and the norm. Life isn't normal. It's not about averages and statistics. It's about emotional experiences which moulds a person.

The dark side cannot grasp that and it's haunts me. I think I really might need help.

Not again.

As I sit here again for the what, 5th weekend in a row, I ask myself why the hell am I doing this. I don't get it. I've always been the one telling myself that I will not be a substance abuser. And yet, as much as I tell myself that I don't wanna drink, I'm sitting here with a beer in hand. It freaks me out. It really does.

I can feel my body rejecting it. I can constantly feel the sensation to puke and we all know that that's not a good sign. I know that I need to heal but for that to happen I think I need to hurt. And I'm afraid of that so I end up going out and partying and that just leads to me drinking. I really don't go out looking for it but it seems to just happen. What's even scarier is that now it seems to even spill into my weekdays. Last week I had drinks on Thursday night and this week, Wednesday.

I need to stop this. I really need to. I don't know where I'm going with this post in all honesty. I thought that by somehow writing it out, I'd gain some clarity. Unfortunately, I'm still back at square one. Thank god that beer sucked.

Stuck in reverse.

I feel I need to get myself out of this rut of going out, drinking my face off and then doing it the following week. Not only is not healthy, it burns a fucking hole in my pocket.

Yes, that's the Indian in me talking. But in all honesty, I think I'm done with that phase because I want to be. I know it's not good for me and what I'm doing while drinking is starting to tell me that very soon, I'll hazard and I'm probably hurt someone or myself. To continue on that path will just mean losing myself. And that's the last thing I want.

I wanna be focused on the other aspects of my life as well. So I need to stop looking for someone to take Rachel's spot and stop drinking and just heal myself.

I like how Paul put it yesterday night. There a difference between saying you can live without her and that you're ok that she's not around anymore. It hit me pretty hard and I guess this phase has been about the prior. I need to work on healing myself.

The frustration of thinking about what the future could've been holds me back a little and I'm sure what I need is time. Something that I always seem to tell myself I don't have enough of. It's amazing the way I put myself through denial. Haha!

Well that's it for now. I like that the views for my blog is increasing and I know that re are the few out there who do read it. Please, if you have comments, do drop them as you wish. If I'm not wrong you chose to remain anonymous as well and if it's productive feedback, I don't see why not. :)

Let's hope next week's gonna be better.

So on V day...

It's a shame that I'm alone this Valentine's but I'm gonna do what I can to take this positively.

I settled what I needed for work and ended up in a long bus ride to Indian Association to have a kick about with he cousins and their buddies when I began thinking.

It's been quite a while since I was last single. A REALLY long while and leaves me questioning if I have really fully matured. Can anyone of us truly said that we have matured if we've not experienced every phase that life has to offer?

I find myself dislocated. No idea of what I should be doing. I know that I should focusing on WV and work and family and friends and all that but instead, I'm trying to put myself out there again.

Why?

I don't get it. After 2 relationships of 3 years each, here I am looking to throw myself into another one. I can only link this to my need to be comfortable. Like I said previously, I have no idea where I'm going after this. I don't even know if I'm gonna end up getting married because, let's face it, I'm not gonna be 'marketable' in a couple of years down the road.

Or can I attest this to my need to see if I'm actually able to attract the opposite sex the way I've always been boasting about while I was with Rach. Though I knew that most of the time I was kidding, there were times that I actually wondered if I meant what I said. Well the more I ask myself, the more I have no idea which it is. I overthink waaay to fucking much. Heh!

Guess I'm gonna head off to my kick about and leave you with this,

"Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable." - Wizard of Oz

Happy Valentine's to one and all :) Especially the ones my heart goes out to :) you know who you are.

Rants.

So I'm starting worry a lot. Not just about how I'm gonna deal with what's happening now but how my friends are gonna deal with it as well.

As much as I wanted this to not affect them, I'm sure it is and that pretty much sucks. I mean, I have my best friend going through something really tough as well and it's not like my throwing stuff on him or his girlfriend is making things any easier and I honestly don't find it easy to just dump my emotions on my other friends either. I just don't want to be that guy.

Then there's me thinking whether I should start meeting other people. I mean, talking to strangers might just be the way to get me out of this dump I've put myself in. The deeper I think about it, maybe I just don't want my friends to hear what I truly have to say. Because when I listen to it, it disgusts even me.

Well in other news, the exercise thing is still as useless as it started out to be but like I said, I'm giving myself till April. And I won't stop until then. Guess that's my cue to head off. :) 

When frustration gets the best of you.

I kinda let it all out again today. Don't know why but the frustration kinda let itself out. I can't say that all I said was right. Honestly, I'd say that it's how I felt but again, I'm in that situation of whether I let it out the right way at the right time. Reading what I said at 10am in the morning might not've been the best thing to do ey.

Fuck it. I'm tired and frustrated.

People get to vent, don't they?

Why I disappoint myself.

So here's a messed up one. It takes my dad ending up in a hospital for me to actually go make some effort to go see my parents. What the flying fuck is wrong with me.

I mean I get that I feel awkward around them because of the fact that I left home but seriously, it seems that my situation with my friends is starting to look like the way I treat my family.

Karma's a real bitch.

There it goes...

It's soo weird. I had it all planned out you know. I'd save money, she'd go to poly on a bond, complete her studies and start saving for our home. I'd find a way to pay for our wedding and we'll take turns saving for our future.

And suddenly, here I am in bunk wondering what to look forward to next. Don't get me wrong. I'm not in depression or anything but what I am at this moment is a little lost.

At first I thought it'd be easy, drown myself with things to do like workout , work and WV but somehow I'm beginning to think it's not all that easy. I need to take an honest look at my life and decide what I wanna make out of it. I mean I HAD plans and they are still in the works but it kinda needs another person to put it all together.

I'm disappointed that things didn't work out the way I had planned them to but hey, what's life without a little seasoning.

Guess it's back to the drawing board.