As I sit here again for the what, 5th weekend in a row, I ask myself why the hell am I doing this. I don't get it. I've always been the one telling myself that I will not be a substance abuser. And yet, as much as I tell myself that I don't wanna drink, I'm sitting here with a beer in hand. It freaks me out. It really does.
I can feel my body rejecting it. I can constantly feel the sensation to puke and we all know that that's not a good sign. I know that I need to heal but for that to happen I think I need to hurt. And I'm afraid of that so I end up going out and partying and that just leads to me drinking. I really don't go out looking for it but it seems to just happen. What's even scarier is that now it seems to even spill into my weekdays. Last week I had drinks on Thursday night and this week, Wednesday.
I need to stop this. I really need to. I don't know where I'm going with this post in all honesty. I thought that by somehow writing it out, I'd gain some clarity. Unfortunately, I'm still back at square one. Thank god that beer sucked.
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