So on V day...

It's a shame that I'm alone this Valentine's but I'm gonna do what I can to take this positively.

I settled what I needed for work and ended up in a long bus ride to Indian Association to have a kick about with he cousins and their buddies when I began thinking.

It's been quite a while since I was last single. A REALLY long while and leaves me questioning if I have really fully matured. Can anyone of us truly said that we have matured if we've not experienced every phase that life has to offer?

I find myself dislocated. No idea of what I should be doing. I know that I should focusing on WV and work and family and friends and all that but instead, I'm trying to put myself out there again.

Why?

I don't get it. After 2 relationships of 3 years each, here I am looking to throw myself into another one. I can only link this to my need to be comfortable. Like I said previously, I have no idea where I'm going after this. I don't even know if I'm gonna end up getting married because, let's face it, I'm not gonna be 'marketable' in a couple of years down the road.

Or can I attest this to my need to see if I'm actually able to attract the opposite sex the way I've always been boasting about while I was with Rach. Though I knew that most of the time I was kidding, there were times that I actually wondered if I meant what I said. Well the more I ask myself, the more I have no idea which it is. I overthink waaay to fucking much. Heh!

Guess I'm gonna head off to my kick about and leave you with this,

"Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable." - Wizard of Oz

Happy Valentine's to one and all :) Especially the ones my heart goes out to :) you know who you are.

Rants.

So I'm starting worry a lot. Not just about how I'm gonna deal with what's happening now but how my friends are gonna deal with it as well.

As much as I wanted this to not affect them, I'm sure it is and that pretty much sucks. I mean, I have my best friend going through something really tough as well and it's not like my throwing stuff on him or his girlfriend is making things any easier and I honestly don't find it easy to just dump my emotions on my other friends either. I just don't want to be that guy.

Then there's me thinking whether I should start meeting other people. I mean, talking to strangers might just be the way to get me out of this dump I've put myself in. The deeper I think about it, maybe I just don't want my friends to hear what I truly have to say. Because when I listen to it, it disgusts even me.

Well in other news, the exercise thing is still as useless as it started out to be but like I said, I'm giving myself till April. And I won't stop until then. Guess that's my cue to head off. :) 

When frustration gets the best of you.

I kinda let it all out again today. Don't know why but the frustration kinda let itself out. I can't say that all I said was right. Honestly, I'd say that it's how I felt but again, I'm in that situation of whether I let it out the right way at the right time. Reading what I said at 10am in the morning might not've been the best thing to do ey.

Fuck it. I'm tired and frustrated.

People get to vent, don't they?

Why I disappoint myself.

So here's a messed up one. It takes my dad ending up in a hospital for me to actually go make some effort to go see my parents. What the flying fuck is wrong with me.

I mean I get that I feel awkward around them because of the fact that I left home but seriously, it seems that my situation with my friends is starting to look like the way I treat my family.

Karma's a real bitch.

There it goes...

It's soo weird. I had it all planned out you know. I'd save money, she'd go to poly on a bond, complete her studies and start saving for our home. I'd find a way to pay for our wedding and we'll take turns saving for our future.

And suddenly, here I am in bunk wondering what to look forward to next. Don't get me wrong. I'm not in depression or anything but what I am at this moment is a little lost.

At first I thought it'd be easy, drown myself with things to do like workout , work and WV but somehow I'm beginning to think it's not all that easy. I need to take an honest look at my life and decide what I wanna make out of it. I mean I HAD plans and they are still in the works but it kinda needs another person to put it all together.

I'm disappointed that things didn't work out the way I had planned them to but hey, what's life without a little seasoning.

Guess it's back to the drawing board.

A little about Silver Lining Playbook

Silver lining playbook. Not as I played it out to be actually. There was many a times when I thought I should be writing about a certain quote in the movie but this movie was just simply awesome. I watched this on the same day as I saw the barber brothers from the previous blog post.

I was watching the show alone and it was especially weird because I was wearing my uniform. Nonetheless, it was dark so I could be myself during the show. Just needed to log that down. Haha! But back to the movie.

So I was pretty set on watching Zero Dark Thirty that night but it was out yet and so all that I had to select was Silver Lining Playbook. I must say that seeing Bradley Cooper did help with my disappointment of not being able to watch Zero Dark Thirty.

In summary, the movie's a pretty twisted kind of romcom. It's about two people who not mentally stable due to their crazy previous relationships. The female lead's husband actually got killed on the job and she ends up having sex with every single person in the office she works at. The male lead (Bradley Cooper) separates with his wife after finding her in the shower with a colleague from work and beating the crap out of this guy. Brad's convinced that his wife is gonna come back to him as long as he gets his act together and stops beating people up.

The awesome dynamic is Brad's family where his dad(Robert DeNiro) is a crazy Eagles(American football) fan and he's addicted to gambling on them. He even becomes a bookie after leaving his previous job. What doesn't help is that the guy is superstitious and is bent on the fact the Brad must be around for the Eagles to win. So on top of trying to recover from his mental condition, Brad has to deal with dad.

When Brad and the female lead meet, she ends up trying to help Brad pass a letter to his ex-wife in exchange for him being her partner in an upcoming dance competition. This is where he gradually gets closer to her but constantly tries to get her to send the letter to his ex-wife.

That's the part that becomes a little warped and I'll leave you to watch the the rest of the show I guess why I'm soo freaking gripped by the show is that even after all the crap they both have been through, they manage to find each other and help each other through their pains.

I like that idea. Though I might not have that person with me now, I know I have everyone around me that care and love me and are looking out for me. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of them. I'm not gonna single out anyone because it just wouldn't be fair to the rest, but you know who you are. :)

Well, that ends this post, I might actually go looking for the book. Hmmm...

A day to ponder.

Had a pretty fulfilling day. Well at least in the aspect of me having a pretty awesome work out. Might have over done it but wth, it was worth it.

Met 5 guys at a barber about a week ago and it got me thinking about the guys and I. I don't know how to explain it but there's soo much to what they were doing to what they were speaking about that just got me feeling that one day, I hope to get what they have.

I feel that I try hard to get them together but sometimes I ask myself why do I even bother. I mean, if we're meant to be then we'll just stay close yes?

I get to thinking about people like Marcus, Hamdi and Karl who I was really close with but eventually when our paths went different ways, so did our friendship. And what scares me is that now rest of us seem to be going through that again with our jobs and our relationships and such.

I do pray that we stick together because I've been through quite a bit with them and they're like family to me. And they're the ones that I know are good people and the people I want to surround myself and my future family with.

We'll let go the way they want to. But I'm pretty sure I'm done trying to push it to happen, even if it means this much to me.

When it seems to be going to shit.

Can't believe it but it seems like we're really about to hit the breaking point. And I don't like it one bit but I'm not gonna succumb myself to unnecessary wants.

I might not be totally in right but I know I can't continue to live this way.

Welcome to day 3.

Hello 2013.

Don't you worry child - Swedish House Mafia

Well my first post of 2013. And here I am in a 24 hour coin laundry centre settling some major laundry on a day when I should be instead resting at home. Got sick from the trip to Desaru. Hah! Talk about starting the year on a bad note.

Anyways, rach and I are doing much better. We talked things out and I fell into a super minor depression because I.. I can't describe it. I was frustrated with my friends and Rach and disappointed with myself at the same time. I felt like I hated the person I was and that I should just go back to the way I was years ago, trying my best to please everyone else.

Thank god it didn't go that way. Tash, Vase, Vik and Sam spoke to me and that made me realise I am not alone. Eventhough I wronged Tash and Vase, they were there for me.

Then I asked myself why? I mean I always talk about the human spirit and how it overcome crazy odds to achieve the impossible but why look past the wrong I've done to comfort me. Till today, that makes me tear up. I'm lucky enough to be experiencing the human spirit I believe soo much in.

Well I have the whole 2013 to better myself and in all honesty, I have no idea what my resolutions are. But I what I definitely want to do is to be a better son, boyfriend and friend. I'd also like to get a little fitter and stop munching macs, right Sam? Haha!

Let's bask in all the joys and sorrows, failures and lesson learnt of 2012 and let's try our very best to make 2013 out year. I know I'll try. :)

Cheers. 

Fuck that shit.

Fuck the end of the world shit. I'm high and I'm still alive.

I wanna blog because I figured that my life could be what I wnated it to be no matter whether I was attached or not. I think so la.

Not sure but there's not harm trying right?

The loosing hair part might be quite a turn off but I'll figure someway around that. HAHA!

Ok ok nonsense. Note to self, never fucking blog when high. LOL!

Night.