The C word.

Cups (When I'm gone) - Anna Kendrick

Main thing that got me writing for this post the urge I had to want to talk to someone. Just meet someone and talk. So that I'll stop thinking about the what ifs. I had the urge for something very specific. 

I wanted to speak to someone who was female and could simply look me in the eyes and listen to everything I said. To not just listen but make the right comments and hold my hand. I wanted someone to make me feel safe. Like everything's gonna be alright. 

I think it's pretty damn obvious I miss companionship. Is that such a wrong thing really? I know it is I guess. And I know I'm supposed to be much stronger but for what really? I'm moving towards being being postive. I have actually been working out and studying and yea, the whole drinking thing failed this week again since I ended up at Patrick's place on Saturday but hey, I'm pretty fuckin unhappy. And I know it.

I asked myself what was my motivation to push myself to be happy and I came up with nothing. Not a fucking thing.

So if you can't tell yet, I'm preety pissed off. I shouldn't be saying half the things I am up there but hey, it's out so sue me.

Maybe I'll have better luck in the weeks to come.

One interesting point to note about this week was the glee episode and how the episode was a tribute to Cory Monteith who played Finn. It just reminded me of Jakey. I'm still really happy about the night we had to remember the things he did. He was happy. He was adventurous. And most of all, he was a kind kind soul. May his soul rest in peace. 

And with that, we'll end on a good note by introducing my baby niece! She was born on the 12th of Oct. Hopefully I'll get a chance to see her soon :) Time to man up and be a good uncle. Gotta make sure she never sees this blog first. Heh! Night.

Welcome to the Ground Zero.

Alone Together - Fall Out Boy

So week 1 of trying out a new routine. First was to keep sober over the weekend but that failed miserably on Friday night. I blame the fact that we had a happy hour and I guess I pushed that hour to the rest of the night but Saturday and Sunday was pretty ok.

Second, is to begin exercising again and working out pretty alright for now. 5 times week is a good number and I intend to keep it up =)

Third is to always go to work early so that I start my day off with a jog and some exercise and that need's a little help but hey, how much can only seriously accomplish in a week man! Gimme a friggin break.

Fourth is to focus on school and that's alright as well. I mean I did study every night when I got back from work and I did attend class when necessary so I'd give that a check =)

Made a couple of blunders though. Besides the my failed attempted to keep sober the whole weekend, I told Rach I love her. I mean, I know I do but I'm soo afraid it came out because I've been failing to find someone who I can feel the same for. It just sucks that there's nothing I can easily resort to to remind me why we're not together in the first place.

I did toy with idea that this love is the same feeling you get when you break up with someone who really meant something to you. It's like I'd be affected if I heard that they in a bad situation and I'd do what I can to help but not in the way that I cannot live without them. Like a friend type of love but more than that. I mean the 3 of them mean a lot to me and I'm who I am today either directly or indirectly because of them and I'd definitely be affected should anything happen to either one of them. But I'm gonna try to find out about how they're doing. I think that might be crossing the line. I mean, I've been doing just that and let's just say it's burnt me pretty damn badly.

Nonetheless, like I said, I'm just toying with the idea trying to understand what I truly feel. Hmmm.. Loving your ex, possible? I personally don't think it makes any sense but then again, how to do being to make sense of the situation that I'm in.

So yea, I'm just gonna keep to this routine for now and see how it goes. Concentrate on myself a little bit. I'm gonna try to forget about the long term goal. I'm doing it because if I don't figure me out, I'm never gonna figure out what I really wanna want. In love or in life.

So hey, the meter for week 1 is positive and we're gonna keep it that way. Wish me luck! =)

Solo night.

Sitting here along club st, I can't help but try to figure out what's conspired over the past few months. So its September which makes that 9 months of being single and still, I don't think I've changed much as a person except for the fact that I'm work for a longer period of time each day.

I do have quite a bit of free time and I try to fill that time up to the best of my ability. Though most of the time it seems I'm getting myself piss drunk. I don't think it's a healthy phase and I've reminded myself time and again that I shouldn't be doing this but somehow, every weekend I'm back here. I think I'm still not comfortable with spending time with myself in a quiet space. And that IS pretty scary.

Other aspects of my life? I've definitely gained a few kilos. I completely blame that on work. No really, it's work's fault! Heh! I got to spend sometime with the dogs over the week and honestly, I have no idea if I'm fit to be a dog owner. Quite a few things annoy me but soo much of what they do simply blows me away. I'm very sure I wanna have a dog but sometimes I wonder if I'd really be a good owner. 

I definitely need to work onmyself but right now, I don't think I'm on the wrong path. I'm just going with the flow and hopefully, things pan out. I've met quite a few interesting people and had quite a few profound conversations. I'm just happy I have people like Tash, K7, Thurga and Paul in my life. And yes Sam, you too :) haha!

Well till the next one, night :) 

Start thinking up.

Sara Bareilles - Brave

So this weekend was a pretty gloomy one and I haven't been hiding it with all my friggin emo posts on Facebook. I started missing her again and I began questioning if I was a bad person for everything I put her and many others through for my own well being.

I don't know if I am but honestly, knowing someone who would think that of my would just kill me. I mean that person has to be someone I really really care about. So I met Tash and we sat down and talked. Like really talked. It was good. It was different. I feel I'm making progress in getting through to him. I really don't think what we're going through is the worst things in the world but it is pretty damn heavy.

I came to conclusion previously that the only way I would want to be better is when I've found someone new but something he said kinda makes me want to take back my conclusion.

You can't have it all. You can one but then you're gonna have to forgo something else.

It just made me think about how I know my end game is to be a dad and have a family but honestly, it's  not the only thing I wanna accomplish. I keep telling myself that everything I do should be in the direction to help me achieve that goal of being a dad but I should concentrate on other things as well.

I'm on a mission to find something that drives me that is not about being in a relationship. I can be an improved version of myself in something else. I'm sure it's possible if I just give it a chance.

Never thought this would go this way.

Believer - American Authors

Well it was a day of many firsts last Friday when I went for my first concert! I mean it wasn't an awesome line up but nonetheless, at least it was something that I've never done before.

It seems that I'm continuously looking for that. New people, new experiences maybe even a new Nigel. Even went to the Gardens by the Bay for the concert and realised it was indeed a really beautiful place. If only I could find that somewhere inside of me. 

I couldn't frame this entry properly because my head's not in the right frame. I'm confused about the person I am and how I should be myself. I'm soo tired of constantly being the nice guy. A wise friend once told me that we're all grey and that we should strive to be as good as we can but seriously, it's soo frustrating sometimes.

I look around and see some people being complete asses and they get away with everything scot-free. I mean sometimes I ever wonder whether doing the right thing is worth it anymore.

I know I'm going all over the place with the post but just give me a moment. I need to just to rant. I'm in the pursuit of happiness but I don't even know what the hell it looks like or whether it is even worth chasing after.

I'm just pissed off. Funny how I started this post wanting to be all happy and yet I still ended up this way. Maybe I'm just doomed to emotional posts for the rest of my life. Heh. Look at me and the music I'm listening to, the irony. 

Night. 

Oh well..

Just keep breathing - We the Kings 

Today we saw one of founders of Galaticos leave the team for good. Not that it's never happened before but, he's of those I thought I'd see around the end of this team's time.

I guess what I've learnt is that things aren't really in your foci of control. Any one of them and all you gotta do is just let it be. It sucks because I know I tried but like I know very well, once a man whose  loss his belonging and he's lost his feeling of welcome, there's nothing that could stop him from leaving.

I mean there's soo much I could say about the disappointment, anger and resentment but I'd rather just wish the best to this person. To the rest of his decisions for all is future endeavors.

Once apart of Galaticos, always apart of Galaticos. Yes, we're not much but we're definitely a team brought together thanks to the stars. Take care and god bless my friend

Point in fighting losing battles?

Sometimes I don't get why I do it. Why I even bother standing up for my beliefs against people who probably can't give a rat's ass about what I think. I mean, if I'm not willing to accept their opinion, why the hell would they see my point.

I feel as though I'm always taking the a neutral point of view. It seems that I take a more Nigel point of view. Is that even the right thing to do? I've noticed this trend in my past few discussions and debates and am now just baffled at the way I respond to certain situations.

Normally I'm soo sure but now I'm doubting myself again. I guess it's because I know I'm not the best version of me. And also because I seem to be conitnously putting myself in a position to give advice to others when I don't even have my shit together.

There's always a saying where the worse advice is free advice. Weirdly enough, I've never asked for a single cent whenever I give out advice. Go figure.

Nonetheless, I'm still gonna continue to be there for those I want to and we'll see where this behaviour brings me.

On a side note, been able to keep the weight down. Now time to muscle up a little and maybe grow some hair. Yun Nam, anyone? Haha!

Was watching Black Hawk Down when I saw this by Plato,

"Only the dead see the end of War."

Damn. Well, with that, I wish you good night =) have a good week!!

The Runaway.

So I'm waiting around and when I wait what I do? Yes, I think.

I realise I've still been going in reverse and I'm in a spiral that seems to be hurting those around me. I spoke about wanting company and I thought I found someone who could be that company I was looking for but I'm not too sure anymore.

I'm in run away from any commitment mode. I can't. I know I'm not gonna be all in. It's not fair to either one of us. And I don't want that. All I want is company but somehow, this person makes me feel that to expect that is wrong.

I blame me. My actions. What I choose to say. Everything. I need to be more aware I guess. But if I'm aware, I won't be myself. I don't want that.

Essentially, I want a girlfriend who's not my girlfriend. The fuck is wrong with me. God knows.

Well look at the time. Yep, it's time to get shit-faced. See you in the morning, I hope :)

Meet Ups.

Why am I the One - F.U.N

I don't like where I'm at with myself right now. I mean I'm sure of what I want to do seriously, don't get me wrong but what I want out of life. I don't want a girlfriend. I want someone who I can simply have kickass conversations with and would just chill out with me with no strings attached.

What sucks is that I tend to be flirty and I think that bounces off the wrong way. I would hate being led on and it's only right that I not lead anyone along. But once I break that news, what's really holding anyone from staying?

Maybe what I expect isn't possible. It probably is. But then how do I build myself when I have that constant feeling that something's missing.

Fill that with something else? If only. Well I promised I would talk about Miami and Vegas but how does one explain one of his peak life experiences on a piece of paper. Some can, not me. I'll tell you when I feel I have it right.

Till then, it's me, myself and I. Night.

The Laptop IS BACK!!

Say hello again to my Lenovo!! She's BACK!

She's been down with the 'cannot hit Enter' virus and I got that fixed! It cost me $70 bucks but hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

I won't be spamming much but what I will do is try to recollect my Miami - Vegas trips in a few parts.

Went through quite a bit there and I want a space I can look back at the whole trip. Now that my laptop's back, nothing's standing in my way! Haha!

Well I'm off! =)