That dark place.

Fuck the place that I'm in now. I want control. I want control of myself and I want it back now.

I also badly want someone to hold my hand and hold me and tell me everything's alright. I want somebody to love.

But I don't think I'm meant for it. I honestly don't. The more that times passes by, the more I feel I deserve to be where I'm at right now. Hell, I'm only 24 and it feels like I'm writing the letter of someone who's about to commit suicide.

Yeah so I said it. I'm in a dark place right now. All of us have been there. And all of us find ways to deal with it. I feel like I don't wanna put this on anybody so I'm putting this out there. To feel like I'm heard. To feel that someone cares. To feel that I matter.

Don't give me the lecture that I give everyone else who says exactly what I just said. I'm just not in the place to even listen. But please know that I do appreciate all the thoughts and advice but seriously, for now, just save it.

I'm in a dark place and I want to get out but I don't know how. It's like I'm drowning but it never ends. I never die. I just keep choking and trying to come up for air only to get sucked back in again.

Let her go.

Let her go - Passenger

We both lost a part of ourselves today. Happy Birthday Rachel. Happy 22nd. I truly only wish the best for you. 

On my end? I wish for the best too but hey, we all know that's not enough right? 

Remind me again what I did for my birthday? Oh well, hopefully I won't release that I love her when I let her go. 

Monday Blues.

Yeah that pretty much explains it. 

Pretty pissed at myself. Oh well what's new. Night.

The C word.

Cups (When I'm gone) - Anna Kendrick

Main thing that got me writing for this post the urge I had to want to talk to someone. Just meet someone and talk. So that I'll stop thinking about the what ifs. I had the urge for something very specific. 

I wanted to speak to someone who was female and could simply look me in the eyes and listen to everything I said. To not just listen but make the right comments and hold my hand. I wanted someone to make me feel safe. Like everything's gonna be alright. 

I think it's pretty damn obvious I miss companionship. Is that such a wrong thing really? I know it is I guess. And I know I'm supposed to be much stronger but for what really? I'm moving towards being being postive. I have actually been working out and studying and yea, the whole drinking thing failed this week again since I ended up at Patrick's place on Saturday but hey, I'm pretty fuckin unhappy. And I know it.

I asked myself what was my motivation to push myself to be happy and I came up with nothing. Not a fucking thing.

So if you can't tell yet, I'm preety pissed off. I shouldn't be saying half the things I am up there but hey, it's out so sue me.

Maybe I'll have better luck in the weeks to come.

One interesting point to note about this week was the glee episode and how the episode was a tribute to Cory Monteith who played Finn. It just reminded me of Jakey. I'm still really happy about the night we had to remember the things he did. He was happy. He was adventurous. And most of all, he was a kind kind soul. May his soul rest in peace. 

And with that, we'll end on a good note by introducing my baby niece! She was born on the 12th of Oct. Hopefully I'll get a chance to see her soon :) Time to man up and be a good uncle. Gotta make sure she never sees this blog first. Heh! Night.

Welcome to the Ground Zero.

Alone Together - Fall Out Boy

So week 1 of trying out a new routine. First was to keep sober over the weekend but that failed miserably on Friday night. I blame the fact that we had a happy hour and I guess I pushed that hour to the rest of the night but Saturday and Sunday was pretty ok.

Second, is to begin exercising again and working out pretty alright for now. 5 times week is a good number and I intend to keep it up =)

Third is to always go to work early so that I start my day off with a jog and some exercise and that need's a little help but hey, how much can only seriously accomplish in a week man! Gimme a friggin break.

Fourth is to focus on school and that's alright as well. I mean I did study every night when I got back from work and I did attend class when necessary so I'd give that a check =)

Made a couple of blunders though. Besides the my failed attempted to keep sober the whole weekend, I told Rach I love her. I mean, I know I do but I'm soo afraid it came out because I've been failing to find someone who I can feel the same for. It just sucks that there's nothing I can easily resort to to remind me why we're not together in the first place.

I did toy with idea that this love is the same feeling you get when you break up with someone who really meant something to you. It's like I'd be affected if I heard that they in a bad situation and I'd do what I can to help but not in the way that I cannot live without them. Like a friend type of love but more than that. I mean the 3 of them mean a lot to me and I'm who I am today either directly or indirectly because of them and I'd definitely be affected should anything happen to either one of them. But I'm gonna try to find out about how they're doing. I think that might be crossing the line. I mean, I've been doing just that and let's just say it's burnt me pretty damn badly.

Nonetheless, like I said, I'm just toying with the idea trying to understand what I truly feel. Hmmm.. Loving your ex, possible? I personally don't think it makes any sense but then again, how to do being to make sense of the situation that I'm in.

So yea, I'm just gonna keep to this routine for now and see how it goes. Concentrate on myself a little bit. I'm gonna try to forget about the long term goal. I'm doing it because if I don't figure me out, I'm never gonna figure out what I really wanna want. In love or in life.

So hey, the meter for week 1 is positive and we're gonna keep it that way. Wish me luck! =)

Solo night.

Sitting here along club st, I can't help but try to figure out what's conspired over the past few months. So its September which makes that 9 months of being single and still, I don't think I've changed much as a person except for the fact that I'm work for a longer period of time each day.

I do have quite a bit of free time and I try to fill that time up to the best of my ability. Though most of the time it seems I'm getting myself piss drunk. I don't think it's a healthy phase and I've reminded myself time and again that I shouldn't be doing this but somehow, every weekend I'm back here. I think I'm still not comfortable with spending time with myself in a quiet space. And that IS pretty scary.

Other aspects of my life? I've definitely gained a few kilos. I completely blame that on work. No really, it's work's fault! Heh! I got to spend sometime with the dogs over the week and honestly, I have no idea if I'm fit to be a dog owner. Quite a few things annoy me but soo much of what they do simply blows me away. I'm very sure I wanna have a dog but sometimes I wonder if I'd really be a good owner. 

I definitely need to work onmyself but right now, I don't think I'm on the wrong path. I'm just going with the flow and hopefully, things pan out. I've met quite a few interesting people and had quite a few profound conversations. I'm just happy I have people like Tash, K7, Thurga and Paul in my life. And yes Sam, you too :) haha!

Well till the next one, night :) 

Start thinking up.

Sara Bareilles - Brave

So this weekend was a pretty gloomy one and I haven't been hiding it with all my friggin emo posts on Facebook. I started missing her again and I began questioning if I was a bad person for everything I put her and many others through for my own well being.

I don't know if I am but honestly, knowing someone who would think that of my would just kill me. I mean that person has to be someone I really really care about. So I met Tash and we sat down and talked. Like really talked. It was good. It was different. I feel I'm making progress in getting through to him. I really don't think what we're going through is the worst things in the world but it is pretty damn heavy.

I came to conclusion previously that the only way I would want to be better is when I've found someone new but something he said kinda makes me want to take back my conclusion.

You can't have it all. You can one but then you're gonna have to forgo something else.

It just made me think about how I know my end game is to be a dad and have a family but honestly, it's  not the only thing I wanna accomplish. I keep telling myself that everything I do should be in the direction to help me achieve that goal of being a dad but I should concentrate on other things as well.

I'm on a mission to find something that drives me that is not about being in a relationship. I can be an improved version of myself in something else. I'm sure it's possible if I just give it a chance.

Never thought this would go this way.

Believer - American Authors

Well it was a day of many firsts last Friday when I went for my first concert! I mean it wasn't an awesome line up but nonetheless, at least it was something that I've never done before.

It seems that I'm continuously looking for that. New people, new experiences maybe even a new Nigel. Even went to the Gardens by the Bay for the concert and realised it was indeed a really beautiful place. If only I could find that somewhere inside of me. 

I couldn't frame this entry properly because my head's not in the right frame. I'm confused about the person I am and how I should be myself. I'm soo tired of constantly being the nice guy. A wise friend once told me that we're all grey and that we should strive to be as good as we can but seriously, it's soo frustrating sometimes.

I look around and see some people being complete asses and they get away with everything scot-free. I mean sometimes I ever wonder whether doing the right thing is worth it anymore.

I know I'm going all over the place with the post but just give me a moment. I need to just to rant. I'm in the pursuit of happiness but I don't even know what the hell it looks like or whether it is even worth chasing after.

I'm just pissed off. Funny how I started this post wanting to be all happy and yet I still ended up this way. Maybe I'm just doomed to emotional posts for the rest of my life. Heh. Look at me and the music I'm listening to, the irony. 

Night. 

Oh well..

Just keep breathing - We the Kings 

Today we saw one of founders of Galaticos leave the team for good. Not that it's never happened before but, he's of those I thought I'd see around the end of this team's time.

I guess what I've learnt is that things aren't really in your foci of control. Any one of them and all you gotta do is just let it be. It sucks because I know I tried but like I know very well, once a man whose  loss his belonging and he's lost his feeling of welcome, there's nothing that could stop him from leaving.

I mean there's soo much I could say about the disappointment, anger and resentment but I'd rather just wish the best to this person. To the rest of his decisions for all is future endeavors.

Once apart of Galaticos, always apart of Galaticos. Yes, we're not much but we're definitely a team brought together thanks to the stars. Take care and god bless my friend

Point in fighting losing battles?

Sometimes I don't get why I do it. Why I even bother standing up for my beliefs against people who probably can't give a rat's ass about what I think. I mean, if I'm not willing to accept their opinion, why the hell would they see my point.

I feel as though I'm always taking the a neutral point of view. It seems that I take a more Nigel point of view. Is that even the right thing to do? I've noticed this trend in my past few discussions and debates and am now just baffled at the way I respond to certain situations.

Normally I'm soo sure but now I'm doubting myself again. I guess it's because I know I'm not the best version of me. And also because I seem to be conitnously putting myself in a position to give advice to others when I don't even have my shit together.

There's always a saying where the worse advice is free advice. Weirdly enough, I've never asked for a single cent whenever I give out advice. Go figure.

Nonetheless, I'm still gonna continue to be there for those I want to and we'll see where this behaviour brings me.

On a side note, been able to keep the weight down. Now time to muscle up a little and maybe grow some hair. Yun Nam, anyone? Haha!

Was watching Black Hawk Down when I saw this by Plato,

"Only the dead see the end of War."

Damn. Well, with that, I wish you good night =) have a good week!!

The Runaway.

So I'm waiting around and when I wait what I do? Yes, I think.

I realise I've still been going in reverse and I'm in a spiral that seems to be hurting those around me. I spoke about wanting company and I thought I found someone who could be that company I was looking for but I'm not too sure anymore.

I'm in run away from any commitment mode. I can't. I know I'm not gonna be all in. It's not fair to either one of us. And I don't want that. All I want is company but somehow, this person makes me feel that to expect that is wrong.

I blame me. My actions. What I choose to say. Everything. I need to be more aware I guess. But if I'm aware, I won't be myself. I don't want that.

Essentially, I want a girlfriend who's not my girlfriend. The fuck is wrong with me. God knows.

Well look at the time. Yep, it's time to get shit-faced. See you in the morning, I hope :)

Meet Ups.

Why am I the One - F.U.N

I don't like where I'm at with myself right now. I mean I'm sure of what I want to do seriously, don't get me wrong but what I want out of life. I don't want a girlfriend. I want someone who I can simply have kickass conversations with and would just chill out with me with no strings attached.

What sucks is that I tend to be flirty and I think that bounces off the wrong way. I would hate being led on and it's only right that I not lead anyone along. But once I break that news, what's really holding anyone from staying?

Maybe what I expect isn't possible. It probably is. But then how do I build myself when I have that constant feeling that something's missing.

Fill that with something else? If only. Well I promised I would talk about Miami and Vegas but how does one explain one of his peak life experiences on a piece of paper. Some can, not me. I'll tell you when I feel I have it right.

Till then, it's me, myself and I. Night.

The Laptop IS BACK!!

Say hello again to my Lenovo!! She's BACK!

She's been down with the 'cannot hit Enter' virus and I got that fixed! It cost me $70 bucks but hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

I won't be spamming much but what I will do is try to recollect my Miami - Vegas trips in a few parts.

Went through quite a bit there and I want a space I can look back at the whole trip. Now that my laptop's back, nothing's standing in my way! Haha!

Well I'm off! =)

That emptiness inside.

Clarity- Zedd

Tonight I'm empty. that's all I feel. It's like I wanna explode but I know that nothing's gonna come out.

I'm filled with soo many emotions and I wanna scream how much I miss soo much of life a few months ago but I can't. I won't. I need to move on and look ahead.

Since I've been on this journey, I've disappointed and hurt myself one too many times.

I did many things I thought I'd never do in my life and most of all, I went back to a lot of things I never thought I would.

Tonight, I'm filled with dwep regret of the things I've done and said and all I want to go back in time to make it right from start. Today, it's impossible to make me feel ok with myself.

I want to turn to God but yet I find that I need to do the best to help myself. And honestly, it's not been going very well.

That's all I wanna rant. I'm gonna try and sleep. Night.

Merry-go-round.

So it's been a pretty bad week. Exercised hard and ended up gaining weight. I'd like to say it's muscle, but when I look at my tummy, I can't say that I agree with that. HAHA!

Also, I fell back to that dark place again and I let it consume me. I don't know why and how but it happened and I just am really disappointed with myself. I feel I'm going round and round with how I'm dealing with myself as a person.

When I ask myself what do I want, the answer I come with is a spark. That's all I really want. I could make it for myself but unfortunately for present me, it's just too much work. As usual, I'm depending on God or someone else to make things happen for me.

I guess some things never can change.

Life of Pi

"I suppose the whole of life becomes an act of letting go but what really hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye."

That's the one quote in the movie that simply took my breath away. I'm not gonna go into the details of the whole show but I love how it drifted between reality and the perception of reality. I love how even at the end of the movie, I can believe that such a story might indeed be true and yet still wonder which parts were real and which weren't.

Most of all, I find meaning in putting faith in God and and in myself. I mean, yea, it's a movie but somehow it really got to me.

Nothing much to update about the week though. I think I'm still doing my best to find my footing and I know deep in myself that it'll take time. I'm just pretty tired of waiting for when I feel it'll be the right time to get off my ass and start actually making something happen. Oh well.

Maybe I should star putting a little faith into myself ey.

Just Cause.

Raisins are God's gift to cereal. Well at least to banana nut crunch. Yet, banana nut crunch had no idea about it. Until I came along. Yes, I'm Cupid for the breakfast I love soo much.

HAHA! Something random I just wanted to put that up just cause. Happy Tuesday everyone :)

RIP my friend.

If I was your man - Bruno Mars

This is gonna be a post that's gonna be all over the place. There's soo much to catch up on because I've been through quite a little bit over the last two weeks.

Last weekend I was involved in an training that was indeed pretty awesome. I learnt quite a bit from that training but whether I'm able to apply it is the difference. During that weekend, an unfortunate event occurred. A friend who I have known since secondary school was involved in a car accident and he was the driver. He was rescued only to be declared brain dead when he reached the hospital. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He's my age and he's name is Rammohan. When I visited him in the hospital, I saw many loved ones and many of the people from our artillery officer course was there as well. At least that was uplifting. To know that soo many loved ones were around brought me to a little bit of ease and honestly, I had the hope that maybe, just maybe he could wake up. I can't get the image of how he looked out of my head. I kept telling myself that it isn't fair. Why him? He was really such a great guy. Always there for his friends. Never trying to overdo things. He was always himself.

Unfortunately, the next day, he passed.

The conclusion I came to was that it was simply his time and that life is never something we can control. It just scares me because I'm the type to plan for thr future. This is not gonna make me stop that but I'm definitely gonna take some time to stop and smell the roses.

when this week began, I was looking forward to fixing my relationship but that wasn't to be either. The reason? Let's just say that as long as there's a mustard seed of doubt or negativity in one of the minds of the two in a relationship, no matter what happens, nothings gonna go the right way. And that is what happened here. Enough said. I'm gonna make the most of my time and just work on my life.

It's annoying that it happened because I honestly was optimistic but hey, if life always worked the way you wanted it to, then where's the challenge for us to live yea?

It's been a pretty eventful week. We also managed to book the flights and accomodations for Miami and Las Vegas so yes, 4th April to the 16th I'm gonna bid you bon voyage! At least that is something for me to be excited about :) I've moved back into my old place in Yishun so yea, I'm back to being in one of the greatest neighborhoods everrrrr. ;)

Time to get my ass of my bed and get my Sunday started. Hopefully I've got more positivity to post in my next blog.

Last but not least, Rest in Peace, Rammohan.

When you stop running.

I feel nobody knows me. Knows the deep dark me that lurks beneath the shadows. If anyone does, they'll just leave me. For that I'm sure.

I want to learn to live alone but I can't. I soo weak that it disgusts me. I'm soo warped inside that it disgusts me. I'm soo selfish that only I matter and that really disgusts me.

I don't want to change to save the one thing that makes me happy because of a selfish need. Without even sparing a thought for her, for what she's been through. After all that, any person would do the right thing, but not me. I choose to stick by what I think is right and the norm. Life isn't normal. It's not about averages and statistics. It's about emotional experiences which moulds a person.

The dark side cannot grasp that and it's haunts me. I think I really might need help.

Not again.

As I sit here again for the what, 5th weekend in a row, I ask myself why the hell am I doing this. I don't get it. I've always been the one telling myself that I will not be a substance abuser. And yet, as much as I tell myself that I don't wanna drink, I'm sitting here with a beer in hand. It freaks me out. It really does.

I can feel my body rejecting it. I can constantly feel the sensation to puke and we all know that that's not a good sign. I know that I need to heal but for that to happen I think I need to hurt. And I'm afraid of that so I end up going out and partying and that just leads to me drinking. I really don't go out looking for it but it seems to just happen. What's even scarier is that now it seems to even spill into my weekdays. Last week I had drinks on Thursday night and this week, Wednesday.

I need to stop this. I really need to. I don't know where I'm going with this post in all honesty. I thought that by somehow writing it out, I'd gain some clarity. Unfortunately, I'm still back at square one. Thank god that beer sucked.

Stuck in reverse.

I feel I need to get myself out of this rut of going out, drinking my face off and then doing it the following week. Not only is not healthy, it burns a fucking hole in my pocket.

Yes, that's the Indian in me talking. But in all honesty, I think I'm done with that phase because I want to be. I know it's not good for me and what I'm doing while drinking is starting to tell me that very soon, I'll hazard and I'm probably hurt someone or myself. To continue on that path will just mean losing myself. And that's the last thing I want.

I wanna be focused on the other aspects of my life as well. So I need to stop looking for someone to take Rachel's spot and stop drinking and just heal myself.

I like how Paul put it yesterday night. There a difference between saying you can live without her and that you're ok that she's not around anymore. It hit me pretty hard and I guess this phase has been about the prior. I need to work on healing myself.

The frustration of thinking about what the future could've been holds me back a little and I'm sure what I need is time. Something that I always seem to tell myself I don't have enough of. It's amazing the way I put myself through denial. Haha!

Well that's it for now. I like that the views for my blog is increasing and I know that re are the few out there who do read it. Please, if you have comments, do drop them as you wish. If I'm not wrong you chose to remain anonymous as well and if it's productive feedback, I don't see why not. :)

Let's hope next week's gonna be better.

So on V day...

It's a shame that I'm alone this Valentine's but I'm gonna do what I can to take this positively.

I settled what I needed for work and ended up in a long bus ride to Indian Association to have a kick about with he cousins and their buddies when I began thinking.

It's been quite a while since I was last single. A REALLY long while and leaves me questioning if I have really fully matured. Can anyone of us truly said that we have matured if we've not experienced every phase that life has to offer?

I find myself dislocated. No idea of what I should be doing. I know that I should focusing on WV and work and family and friends and all that but instead, I'm trying to put myself out there again.

Why?

I don't get it. After 2 relationships of 3 years each, here I am looking to throw myself into another one. I can only link this to my need to be comfortable. Like I said previously, I have no idea where I'm going after this. I don't even know if I'm gonna end up getting married because, let's face it, I'm not gonna be 'marketable' in a couple of years down the road.

Or can I attest this to my need to see if I'm actually able to attract the opposite sex the way I've always been boasting about while I was with Rach. Though I knew that most of the time I was kidding, there were times that I actually wondered if I meant what I said. Well the more I ask myself, the more I have no idea which it is. I overthink waaay to fucking much. Heh!

Guess I'm gonna head off to my kick about and leave you with this,

"Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable." - Wizard of Oz

Happy Valentine's to one and all :) Especially the ones my heart goes out to :) you know who you are.

Rants.

So I'm starting worry a lot. Not just about how I'm gonna deal with what's happening now but how my friends are gonna deal with it as well.

As much as I wanted this to not affect them, I'm sure it is and that pretty much sucks. I mean, I have my best friend going through something really tough as well and it's not like my throwing stuff on him or his girlfriend is making things any easier and I honestly don't find it easy to just dump my emotions on my other friends either. I just don't want to be that guy.

Then there's me thinking whether I should start meeting other people. I mean, talking to strangers might just be the way to get me out of this dump I've put myself in. The deeper I think about it, maybe I just don't want my friends to hear what I truly have to say. Because when I listen to it, it disgusts even me.

Well in other news, the exercise thing is still as useless as it started out to be but like I said, I'm giving myself till April. And I won't stop until then. Guess that's my cue to head off. :) 

When frustration gets the best of you.

I kinda let it all out again today. Don't know why but the frustration kinda let itself out. I can't say that all I said was right. Honestly, I'd say that it's how I felt but again, I'm in that situation of whether I let it out the right way at the right time. Reading what I said at 10am in the morning might not've been the best thing to do ey.

Fuck it. I'm tired and frustrated.

People get to vent, don't they?

Why I disappoint myself.

So here's a messed up one. It takes my dad ending up in a hospital for me to actually go make some effort to go see my parents. What the flying fuck is wrong with me.

I mean I get that I feel awkward around them because of the fact that I left home but seriously, it seems that my situation with my friends is starting to look like the way I treat my family.

Karma's a real bitch.

There it goes...

It's soo weird. I had it all planned out you know. I'd save money, she'd go to poly on a bond, complete her studies and start saving for our home. I'd find a way to pay for our wedding and we'll take turns saving for our future.

And suddenly, here I am in bunk wondering what to look forward to next. Don't get me wrong. I'm not in depression or anything but what I am at this moment is a little lost.

At first I thought it'd be easy, drown myself with things to do like workout , work and WV but somehow I'm beginning to think it's not all that easy. I need to take an honest look at my life and decide what I wanna make out of it. I mean I HAD plans and they are still in the works but it kinda needs another person to put it all together.

I'm disappointed that things didn't work out the way I had planned them to but hey, what's life without a little seasoning.

Guess it's back to the drawing board.

A little about Silver Lining Playbook

Silver lining playbook. Not as I played it out to be actually. There was many a times when I thought I should be writing about a certain quote in the movie but this movie was just simply awesome. I watched this on the same day as I saw the barber brothers from the previous blog post.

I was watching the show alone and it was especially weird because I was wearing my uniform. Nonetheless, it was dark so I could be myself during the show. Just needed to log that down. Haha! But back to the movie.

So I was pretty set on watching Zero Dark Thirty that night but it was out yet and so all that I had to select was Silver Lining Playbook. I must say that seeing Bradley Cooper did help with my disappointment of not being able to watch Zero Dark Thirty.

In summary, the movie's a pretty twisted kind of romcom. It's about two people who not mentally stable due to their crazy previous relationships. The female lead's husband actually got killed on the job and she ends up having sex with every single person in the office she works at. The male lead (Bradley Cooper) separates with his wife after finding her in the shower with a colleague from work and beating the crap out of this guy. Brad's convinced that his wife is gonna come back to him as long as he gets his act together and stops beating people up.

The awesome dynamic is Brad's family where his dad(Robert DeNiro) is a crazy Eagles(American football) fan and he's addicted to gambling on them. He even becomes a bookie after leaving his previous job. What doesn't help is that the guy is superstitious and is bent on the fact the Brad must be around for the Eagles to win. So on top of trying to recover from his mental condition, Brad has to deal with dad.

When Brad and the female lead meet, she ends up trying to help Brad pass a letter to his ex-wife in exchange for him being her partner in an upcoming dance competition. This is where he gradually gets closer to her but constantly tries to get her to send the letter to his ex-wife.

That's the part that becomes a little warped and I'll leave you to watch the the rest of the show I guess why I'm soo freaking gripped by the show is that even after all the crap they both have been through, they manage to find each other and help each other through their pains.

I like that idea. Though I might not have that person with me now, I know I have everyone around me that care and love me and are looking out for me. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of them. I'm not gonna single out anyone because it just wouldn't be fair to the rest, but you know who you are. :)

Well, that ends this post, I might actually go looking for the book. Hmmm...

A day to ponder.

Had a pretty fulfilling day. Well at least in the aspect of me having a pretty awesome work out. Might have over done it but wth, it was worth it.

Met 5 guys at a barber about a week ago and it got me thinking about the guys and I. I don't know how to explain it but there's soo much to what they were doing to what they were speaking about that just got me feeling that one day, I hope to get what they have.

I feel that I try hard to get them together but sometimes I ask myself why do I even bother. I mean, if we're meant to be then we'll just stay close yes?

I get to thinking about people like Marcus, Hamdi and Karl who I was really close with but eventually when our paths went different ways, so did our friendship. And what scares me is that now rest of us seem to be going through that again with our jobs and our relationships and such.

I do pray that we stick together because I've been through quite a bit with them and they're like family to me. And they're the ones that I know are good people and the people I want to surround myself and my future family with.

We'll let go the way they want to. But I'm pretty sure I'm done trying to push it to happen, even if it means this much to me.

When it seems to be going to shit.

Can't believe it but it seems like we're really about to hit the breaking point. And I don't like it one bit but I'm not gonna succumb myself to unnecessary wants.

I might not be totally in right but I know I can't continue to live this way.

Welcome to day 3.

Hello 2013.

Don't you worry child - Swedish House Mafia

Well my first post of 2013. And here I am in a 24 hour coin laundry centre settling some major laundry on a day when I should be instead resting at home. Got sick from the trip to Desaru. Hah! Talk about starting the year on a bad note.

Anyways, rach and I are doing much better. We talked things out and I fell into a super minor depression because I.. I can't describe it. I was frustrated with my friends and Rach and disappointed with myself at the same time. I felt like I hated the person I was and that I should just go back to the way I was years ago, trying my best to please everyone else.

Thank god it didn't go that way. Tash, Vase, Vik and Sam spoke to me and that made me realise I am not alone. Eventhough I wronged Tash and Vase, they were there for me.

Then I asked myself why? I mean I always talk about the human spirit and how it overcome crazy odds to achieve the impossible but why look past the wrong I've done to comfort me. Till today, that makes me tear up. I'm lucky enough to be experiencing the human spirit I believe soo much in.

Well I have the whole 2013 to better myself and in all honesty, I have no idea what my resolutions are. But I what I definitely want to do is to be a better son, boyfriend and friend. I'd also like to get a little fitter and stop munching macs, right Sam? Haha!

Let's bask in all the joys and sorrows, failures and lesson learnt of 2012 and let's try our very best to make 2013 out year. I know I'll try. :)

Cheers.